#1
It's about religion.

Helpless minds thrown into a dance
Of things they cannot understand
What does a poor child know
Of the dynamite in his father's hand?

Vile, repulsive demagogues dressed in satin and gold
Feeding off of people as the Earth grows old
Another drop is spilled and another child dies
But it's never enough to kill the red in their eyes

Beacons of darkness, stars of oblivion
Echoes of madness, someone's religion
Drenched in blood, glowing in the night
Attracting the weak with their unholy light

Our minds are poisoned, and our eyes are shut
With sacred lies, we're destined to rot
Bathing in morphine while the stars burn out
Into the void no god will hear you shout

One day the end will come, and what have we done?
We wasted all of our time and the time has gone
No god to judge you, just the corners of your mind
Can you reach deep enough, are you completely blind?


Feedback/opinions wanted.
Last edited by schniepel89x at Mar 17, 2012,
#2
First off, that is an amazing example of imagery and rhetoric in the realm of observation of religion. I think it sounds great and has a great sense of passion behind it.
#3
Quote by lmenagewcis
First off, that is an amazing example of imagery and rhetoric in the realm of observation of religion. I think it sounds great and has a great sense of passion behind it.

Thank you! Yes, I have strong feelings about religion and the experience which led me to write this was of profound impact. I rarely write lyrics unless I feel it's the only way to get my feelings out.
The writing was seamless, it just flew out of me (I did revise it a couple times though, and added the stanza about churches - 'Beacons of darkness' and so on; and I completed the final version only this morning) which is highly unusual for me, especially considering it was about 2 AM...
Thanks a lot for your kind words and opinion.

Come on, UG; I want to hear from more of you!
#4
Theres something about "and we're destined to rot" that I don't think fits... Personally I think that's the only flaw because the rest is great! I
think you succeded in getting out your emotions
If you're playing music to get attention then you're forgetting the purpose of music
#5
Quote by shunks
Theres something about "and we're destined to rot" that I don't think fits... Personally I think that's the only flaw because the rest is great! I
think you succeded in getting out your emotions

What exactly do you not like about that line? Do you find a rhythmic dissonance or do you just not like the figurative language used? Any criticism is appreciated. Thank you!
#6
I'm religious and not "completely blind". Also, you used the word God 2 times. I'd search another word for the second time. Anyway, awesome lyrics, sound dark.
#7
Quote by KevinDG
I'm religious and not "completely blind". Also, you used the word God 2 times. I'd search another word for the second time. Anyway, awesome lyrics, sound dark.

Thanks. The repetition is voluntary, it's to make my message more clear. Glad you enjoyed!
Oh BTW today I entered this in a poetry competition for school (extra credit... and the length limit happnes to be exactly 20 lines, how convenient) and to make sure I don't get labeled as "offensive" by a hypothetical butthurt ultra-conservative judge or am eliminated from the contest I replaced the word "god" in the last verse with the word "one". Takes away a little punch but the figurative language/imagery are left untouched and I get the chance of winning $15 and buy a few pizzas. I guess this is what being a professional feels like! (just kidding)
Last edited by schniepel89x at Mar 9, 2012,
#8
Quote by schniepel89x
I replaced the word "god" in the last verse with the word "one".
I would actually consider replacing both instances of "god" with "one". The reason why is that 1) it can be implied (but isn't necessarily implied) that it is referring to a "god" and 2) it leaves more to the interpretation of the listener. I get that it's a lot stronger to say "god". It does punch home what you mean. But it just seems more elegant to leave a little to the imagination.
#10
I love this, the last two stanzas are brilliant, especially the reference to the ultimate doom of mankind without hope of salvation from a false god. I think/write a lot about that myself so I really related.

When you ask "Can you reach deep enough?" are you only asking if we can reach deep enough to understand the message, or are you asking if we can reach deep enough to find true meaning without religion? Like, to find another answer?
#11
Quote by brayf
I love this, the last two stanzas are brilliant, especially the reference to the ultimate doom of mankind without hope of salvation from a false god. I think/write a lot about that myself so I really related.

When you ask "Can you reach deep enough?" are you only asking if we can reach deep enough to understand the message, or are you asking if we can reach deep enough to find true meaning without religion? Like, to find another answer?

Thanks man. I'm glad you could relate to this. Mind if I politely ask if it would be possible to read some of your stuff on this topic?

As for the "deep enough thing" I intended as more of a call for society to see through the bullshit, but sure, the meaning thing also makes sense! It's whatever it means to each reader in particular.

P.S.: lol, I just realized Black Sabbath have a song with the same title on "Masters of Reality". Didn't think about that till now.
Last edited by schniepel89x at Mar 10, 2012,
#12
It has its moments where it goes from "teenage angst god is dead" to an actually well written piece, and consistently walks that line. I can't say I'm a fan, though. I've read a bunch of pieces like this, they never seem to pass a certain threshold to leave an impression.
#13
Quote by schniepel89x
What exactly do you not like about that line? Do you find a rhythmic dissonance or do you just not like the figurative language used? Any criticism is appreciated. Thank you!

Id say replace the and with a comma
#14
Quote by Nofootcanman
Id say replace the and with a comma

I like how that sounds... thanks for your input.
#16
Quote by ali.guitarkid7
Just wondering, is the title in reference to the movie by any chance?

You mean "Enter the Void"? Nope. Wasn't even aware of its existence until your post prompted a quick Google search.