#1
a few things. 1, ali described some of the stanzas in my latest piece as being bare and underdeveloped, and i'd like to respond to that here by saying yes, because this is a new style i'm trying out, telling bursts of stories that may only be half real or a quarter real, and it's difficult to write, for me at least, when i'm not writing from personal experience, which apparently according to ts eliot should never be done anyway, but **** him. 2, the titular person is not the subject, it's referring to the writer on here, i was reading one of his pieces i'd saved the other day and i kind of spun my own web around one of his lines and modified it accordingly, so thank you, dylan, for providing the fodder for me. 3, there's a sort of internal rhyme thing i've been trying lately and sometimes hit it out of the park but other times fall flat, so excuse the misses here, but as always, let me know what's cumbersome and awkward and etc. also as usual, vyvanse/adderall is making me write a lot.


you placed my shocktarts and bouquet on the counter
faced the garden he delivered, nodded “yes, i’m okay”
your mother’s never been prouder, dog’s never been louder
they’re both side-eyeing me like i wasn’t here first
through worse and worse, breakdowns, sundowns
clutching bloodstained nightgowns and snorting
lines of coke on the steps of schoolgrounds
you want the evil, but can’t find it flowing through his veins
hurtling too wildly along this path i can see you groping
for the reigns, wide-eyeing me asking me to take control
as if i’m fit to tame your soul in any way
but that’s the only time you look in my direction
nevermind dejection, i know i know i know

when his skin is the one your fingers press in
when his frown is the one you’re missing
when his manufactured gifts are the ones on display
when you look at him cry-eyed and ask for forgiveness
when you commit the latest transgression
when you bite a bit too aggressive
when you fight and crash and scream over time
when your ankles clash over the small of his spine
no, i don’t expect you to be thinking of me.
the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn


#3
Quote by Cobrevolution


you placed my shocktarts and bouquet on the counter
faced the garden he delivered, nodded “yes, i’m okay”
your mother’s never been prouder, dog’s never been louder
they’re both side-eyeing me like i wasn’t here first
through worse and worse, breakdowns, sundowns
clutching bloodstained nightgowns and snorting
lines of coke on the steps of schoolgrounds
you want the evil, but can’t find it flowing through his veins
hurtling too wildly along this path i can see you groping
for the reigns, wide-eyeing me asking me to take control
as if i’m fit to tame your soul in any way
but that’s the only time you look in my direction
nevermind dejection, i know i know i know


If this piece ended here, I'd be typing WotW here and promptly flitting off to another piece. There are some rough spots, but this is great. Allow me to hit the rough spots. The first thing I noticed was it took almost 3 whole line before this hit its stride. It floundered right at the beginning; there were to many sharp "hits" in the rhythm, so any and all flow was rendered moot. The content itself, while not bad, isn't enough to float this... it needs the vibe. You might consider revisiting those first few lines and trying to tighten them up.

I thought the wide-eyeing/side-eyeing play was to far apart to work. If they had been closer together, it would have rolled off the tongue well. As it was, I stuttered on it because it seemed like you were using the same phrase again, so I had to look back to see if you had or not.

"in any way" completely kills the flow. Get rid of it and replace with a ';' which will give a slight extra pause to fill in the rhythmic gap, but won't sound so flaky.


when his skin is the one your fingers press in
when his frown is the one you’re missing
when his manufactured gifts are the ones on display
when you look at him cry-eyed and ask for forgiveness
when you commit the latest transgression
when you bite a bit too aggressive
when you fight and crash and scream over time
when your ankles clash over the small of his spine
no, i don’t expect you to be thinking of me.

I'm just going to go ahead and say: this sucked. The "when" schtick, the loss of imaginative scene... it just fell flat. The first section, while mostly carried on sonics, still had a nice smattering of content which was interesting in its own right. This isn't really interesting enough to carry it. It's one note, that you hit over and over and over. It needs to be livened up, or you can just end above (though, you'd need to bring better closure above).



Cheers,
Zach