#1
She's beautiful in my book;
admittedly it's not well read
critically acclaimed with grains of salt
weary hearts and heavy heads
Calls me Icarus, she doesn't but she should
flying low to the forest but
She's too taken by bright sparks
the flames rise before us
she shoots a look at me
down at the pen and pad
adjusts herself so she can read
the words I scribbled down and
I hand her the paper
she asks me if it's mine
"I just gave it to you didn't I"
She laughs at my reply
"Look, I don't say this very often
but I lie alot, it's true
I'm a narcissist, I smile
'cause I see myself in you"
Music is an art form that celebrates potential. So long as you're looking for it, you'll always find it.
Last edited by Mr.Pink101 at Mar 2, 2012,
#2
I like it a lot. I think the first four to eight lines are really strong. It could be due to the fact that I'm very tired and sleep-deprived, but I start to lose track of the dialogue at the end. I think part of it is that the transition from flying (the whole Icarus theme) to writing on pad with pen is pretty abrupt.

I don't know if there's a gentler way in there, but another four lines going from flying to writing could be nice. You could even draw a pretty heavy metaphor between those two concepts.

Nice job though. I really liked it.
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