#1
ots so plenty of cleaning up to do.
____________

The streets were white with chaos
cars like pigs rolled in the noise.
A single raspy breath I took,
looking at mountains the streets shook
with gunfire and other abominations.
It felled a tree in me, shuddering,
leaving dark leaves to pick up
before they were lost in cold winds.

Had I known what the winter looks like
in a terminally ill building,
silent as the harrow itself;
I'd have gathered dead leaves long ago.
But the senile walls crudely whispered:
"we are your prison, and you obtuse",
as though familiar with my past

(and present, and future)
Last edited by ali.guitarkid7 at Mar 14, 2012,
#2
I really like the overall feel of this, like you said, it just needs some cleaning up.


Focusing on the second stanza, you have a great opening and then it slowly loses me. I like the imagery of the "terminally ill building" but when you go deeper into the description, it cheapens that picture a bit. I'd consider replacing it by describing another aspect of winter, or add another set piece before moving on to the "I'd have..." material. That part itself feels a bit clunky. Something about the shoes being plural, then mentioned as "one" doesn't sit quite right with me. It makes sense, it's just a personal tick. The other thing is that I feel it needs a stronger ending. Something that gives it closure, sums the piece up or gives it the push it needs to say what you want it to say. The way it ends now is slightly fizzling.

It has the groundwork to be awesome, just needs a revisit and some thinking out to get a better feel for the subject at hand. I liked it, though. Good writing, Ali.
#3
I feel as if the last line leaves it hanging. It needs a stronger finish. It's like you just played a vii chord, and everyone's ear are going, "Ahhhh, go back to the tonal center."