#1
such small children, I and you some,
firstly tasting and breathing in our

sadness-what does that mean?

simply
nothing, perhaps.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
Last edited by Ganoosh at Mar 1, 2012,
#2
This is a style I've always had trouble making sense of... so take what I say with a grain of salt.

I think that this is extraordinarily underdeveloped. There's nothing here save the idea that "none of this matters," which nihilists killed to death a long time ago. There's nothing in here that say, "aaron wrote this and actually gives a shit that he wrote it." Just seems like words on a page to unconvincingly attempt to justify the fact that sometimes, people are sad. I'm looking for a point of view or anecdote or something only you can explain to me... I'm looking for something more lively. I've seen some short pieces that work really well, but those are extremely efficient, where each line is introducing multiple ideas and just as quickly resolving the issues in the next few lines. Here, you introduce that children are born into sadness.... and you aren't sure if that matters. You do two things over the course of five lines. It just seems like you could put more into it than that.