#1
If love is a journey, then it's going through hell.
I'm with my last bit of hope next to a wishing well.
why didn't you just listen to me.
How come you couldn't see the things that I could see.
My heart's so bruised I wanna rip it out.
I'm a mess, I'm crying and I'm laughing out loud.
You, I love you, you beautiful *****.
But you, you hate me, common hurt me some more!!
This pain is unbearable, i wish i was dead.
Go kill yourselve, that's exactly what you said.
I tried, believe me, they found me on the rails.
After that phonecall with you that left it's trails.
**** this my mind is such a ****ing mess!!
Everyday, i love myself less.
I hate myself, for what i have become.
A loser, a psycho, for what i have done
to you,

If i would see a shooting star
I would wish that every day a star would fall, from the skies
So that every night when i see, a shooting star above the trees,
I'd wish for you to be with me.
Forever in my life.

my love, you're forever in my heart.
I'm not in yours anymore, i wanna tear it apart.
Because that place is taken by somebody else.
I wanna hurt him, mutilate him, bring him to hell.
Why can't I just be happy for you?
Can't stop thinking about the things that we used to do.
How come you never forgave me for what I did.
I never should have done that, i still feel like shit!

Still working on it
Any comments?
#2
She is the scar beneath the skin
She was the light that leaked within
My spirit yet dark and broken
Of misery and love I have not spoken
For this love I would of done anything
Because for me, Us meant everything
I would ship my feelings in a bottle
But I fear she won't even bother
#7
It's just a matter of deconstructing your rhyme scheme, and flow. It comes across as a cliché, angst-ridden nursery rhyme.

I'd recommend deviating a lot more from the AABB set up that you have going, and rethink some of the rhymes themselves. They're pretty standard thoroughfare, and have turned up more times than you could count. Really think about what you're saying, what you want to say, and a genuine and new way you could bring it out in your writing.
#8
I would recommend avoiding swear words in your writing. I understand you're trying to make a very strong point when you use them. However, if you think of how you could express the same thought/feeling as "You, I love you, you beautiful bitch" without swearing, it would be more expressive and elegant. Or take "Fuck this my mind is such a fucking mess!!". How could you express that without swearing?
I just always have been an advocate of expressing oneself in lyrics/music without swearing. For one, you're not going to offend anyone with your language. (Not that I give a damn, about offending others or that I find it offensive. It's all bullshit to me.) Two, you're less likely to sound like an angst-filled pre-teen. If you can express an idea without having to swear, it makes it that much more vibrant and pushes it from "angst-y" up to possibly "deep and emotionally stirring". Just a suggestion.
#9
It is a bit cliché/cheesy, but it's brutally honest and relatable. I like what you're doing, I just think it could be done with a bit more style. The last verse, for example, is fine throughout until the very last line - "I never should have done that, I still feel like ****!" even replaced with something as simple as "I should never have done that... but I did" would convey the feeling of regret just as powerfully but with more subtlety.

Other than that, I think the opening two lines are the weakest. Really quite cheesy, although I see that you're not English, so perhaps it's more difficult to understand what will be perceived as cheesy if it isn't your first language. They're powerful lyrics though man, overall I like it.
Last edited by brayf at Mar 10, 2012,
#10
thanks alot for all the constructive critisism, i'll rework this one with your tips in mind.
Thanks
#11
try an iambic pentameter, its usually pretty good for songs, but the lyrics are nicely though tof
#12
try an iambic pentameter, its usually pretty good for songs, but the lyrics are nice though