#1
I saw the summer in your eyes, a place i thought only I had known
where water glistened bronze and green, and longingly it hummed and flowed
along the drumbeats of my chest, a song upon which no words formed
just footsteps on an wooden floor that echoed hopeful afterglow
but now I wear you like a badge, a symbol far beyond my grasp
and I can hear you walking down the hall to pose a question asking
how it is a person can so readily become attached
to the warm anticipation of their lover coming through the door
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#3
Any suggestions? Do you have a piece you'd like feedback on?
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#4
I think this is a really good piece although I do agree with the previous poster.
I think it needs another line to finnish it off. Something like
"to be gteatead by ones love once more"
Or something similar.
#5
I disagree with it fizzling towards the end; the end was actually perfectly cohesive and complemented the rest of the piece. It was a little too predictable and mundane, though. I enjoyed it, but it lacked the quirkiness that some of your pieces have, and came across very subversive.

It was nice, and a good piece, but lacked an overall punch.

Which, it's worth noting, maybe something like this doesn't need.
#6
i found the last two lines to be most you. there's something you said to someone that has stuck with me for months now, it was along the lines of hoping his winter has been filled with cute girls whose fingertips peek out of their sweaters. that's the quirkiness i think blake is referring to, i feel, something you bring our attention to that we would never notice, and make it sound wonderful.

i'd switch this line up though: "how it is a person can so readily become attached", from that to "how it is a person can become so readily attached". however, that might give it a different meaning. i clearly need to brush up on my syntax.
the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn


#7
Pretty much exactly it, really. I love when writers do that, and envy the ability to pull it off genuinely.