#2
Hey man!
Not bad - it just lacks a lot of pollish (recording/mixing wise). Good work for writing your own music and practicing the art of song-writing!

This song lacks a SINGABLE melody and BIG singable chorus.

The parts aren't so bad on their own, but the whole thing ends up sounding like something you wrote as an exercise to practice various soloing techniques, rather than a piece of "music" per se.
The reason I say that is again because of the lack of the singable melody.
I know you have a theme at the beginning, and you repeat it again near the end, but it's a bit busy and not really singable.
Think of ANYTHING that Satch/Vai/Gilbert write - at the very CORE of their pieces, there is a SIMPLE singable hook.

And then the key of the chunkiness of it. The playing as a whole sounds kind of broken up. In other words - it doesn't sound like a nice coherent piece. To my ears - it sounds like play a,move on.
play b, move on. play c, move on. This is also due to the fact that you use only 2 or 3 rhythm variances for the entire melody and solo combined, so the ear gets tired. Your triplet runs sound good...but in between, there needs to be something more interesting than quarter and half notes. Try some bends, some syncopation, add different note groupings - fours, fives etc.
Again - there is nothing technically wrong with the playing itself - but just the robotic nature of the flow. It's a bit disjointed. And since you asked, I'm just mentioning things that I would implement in my own playing to elevate it.
This sounds also almost like a "first draft"...a refined first draft, but still a first draft. You need an editor/producer to step in and help you with some things.

But good job again for putting yourself out there for a critique - it takes balls to put your stuff up for others to comment on!
Also, I thought the playing was quite clean you're getting there!

Just MHO, I hope it helps in some way!
We're all growing and striving to be better!

Rock on!
SF
#3
Thanks for the feedback, I appreciate it !
I could have been a little more melodic and play longer notes with bends and stuff instead of playing 2 or 3 separate more technical ideas, but then I thought it could get boring. I tried my best to find the middle way.
And production-wise, I'm really looking forward to improving my skills, but I just can't find the time .

Thnaks again.