#1
It's hard to see past shimmering stars;
deep beyond I know there's more
I know that you can see it too,
past the black and past the blue

Look beyond the trees
Look beyond the clouds
Look beyond the skies
What have you found?

A screaming bright mystic horizon
A monument to the dead and dying
Further still, until I see no more
We have reached the Black Lakes shore.
A roaring scream of dark enlightening
Black hole humans, throats tightening

Look beyond all you know
Look beyond all you feel
Look beyond everything that tells you:
"This dream is real"

All that's left is a burning soul
Void of life; an empty hole.

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I posted this incorrectly yesterday. I was told to repost it today.
Hopefully, you've had a chance to think about it.
Thanks,
- Alex

P.S. This is the very first song I ever wrote. I wrote it a little less than a year ago.
#3
I thought the first two stanzas were great, and even had a charm to them. Almost a wistful hopefulness to them, the imagery was cute and playful.

Until the third stanza on. It took a heavy handed turn to standard "dark" poetry. I became really removed after it, just because it seems like they're just words that everyone turns to. I wish it had stayed positive sounding and cutesy, would have payed off well.