#1
I'm busy
just trying my best not to be
the faults I see in my own parents
and friends.

Holding my shovel high
I try
to reach the rim of
this pit. I've gotten so
good at slinging the dirt so
high and far I forgot how
far down I was getting.

I have dreams that my
teeth
are made of granite. And
that I've talked my
way to rock bottom,
and I'm left
here with a mouthful of
what I've only offered
to other people. A face
full of rock solid
flooring to a hole I've
created.

Well, let's
start
climbing.
OBEY THE MIGHTY SHITKICKER
#2
Wasn't a fan of the line breaks, but holy hell, I'll be damned if this isn't near your very best.


I really liked this a lot.
#3
Like Blake I dislike the enjambment, but everything else is great. It's just the line breaks that are distracting.
#4
Me gusta. I don't remember much of what you've written, but I know I've seen you around here quite a bit, and you've definitely got a way with words. I wish I could take some lessons from you. I'd like to give a specific critique, but I honestly just liked the whole thing.

Quote by DukeDeRox
Obviously you got this.
#5
dammit rooster, did you just delete your newest? i wrote up a big thing and then it said invalid thread. -_-
the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn


#6
Quote by Cobrevolution
dammit rooster, did you just delete your newest? i wrote up a big thing and then it said invalid thread. -_-
Story of my life, bro!

I'mma read this now, Jake.
#7
Sorry, dudes, I have a tendency to delete things right away when I get a big ol' case of the "This doesn't seem nearly as good as when I wrote it"s.
OBEY THE MIGHTY SHITKICKER
#9
The I's and the I'ves and the fact that the narrator (you?) created something or dug something or did something does not translate to the reader (me) your feelings (insecurities?) on the topic. I see your lack of confidence in that you've created a hole or talked your way to the bottom of it, but that's all I see: an image of your self-esteem in a proverbial hole, which does not grab me. The word 'just' can diminish concepts, but use it wisely.

If I heard about this hole and your rock bottom (which is a good line!) from a wiser poet in retrospect, someone capable of seeing his own doubt or fault and able to show it to me from a place other than that hole he was in, I would be more intrigued, more hopeful, more clued in than I can be when one talks about "this" anything.

'This' implies one hasn't moved anywhere, but is in a state of stagnation, and is writing from that place, unable to provide any further, more enlightened point of view involving a good sense of irony, humor, or ability to learn from the situation.

And who is the "let's"? At what point did you pull me into your hole? Or your parents or friends, whom you said you did not want to be like? Chances are, if you're saying that you don't want their faults, things that make them distinctly them, then they're probably not going to want to join you in your Hole of SelfDoubt, either. Don't shirk the responsibility of climbing out of the hole yourself just because you don't want to be alone down there: solitude is the place where we must dig to find those chasms within ourselves which others cannot assist or join us in escaping. We must climb by ourselves, freesoloing at times, without a belay or a rope to reassure us, to make sure that every handhold, every step, is taken with care and purpose to get us to the top.

And remember - when you get out of the hole, you're still just on the ground.

This poem is a cop-out for you, whose writing skills far exceed what you've put here. However, much respect for posting it anyway - and for not deleting it - because if we're here for criticism, we learn from it both how to receive it (from others, and more importantly, from ourselves) and how to write to our potential. Your potential. Which is great. Now, go find it.
#10
I disagree with spike. I think it's well done. The final lines
Well, let's
start
climbing.
imply the following things: 1) The writer is not the only one to ever feel this way. There's comfort in knowing one isn't the only one to feel this way. If others have done it before, so can the writer. 2) It's the start of taking responsibility for one's actions. One has to decide to move before one can actually do so. Once it has been decided to move, one begins to confront those things which held one back.

It isn't required that the poem answer every question. That's the beauty of poetry/lyrics -- that they allows the reader to interpret the poem/song and thereby answer the unanswered questions. The sense of the vague in this poem lends itself to the poem; it increases the value of the poem. (Naturally, one is assuming poems have more than an arbitrary value.) The key to lending a sense of the vague to something is that it must not be too vague. That, I believe, has been accomplished. Well done, Rooster!