#1
It's never felt like abuse. It could have just as easily been water, maybe hard candies swallowed by accident - except not by accident. I just want to get out for a while but I don't like leaving the house because I've convinced myself I'm not the kind of person to enjoy socializing. A compromise I guess, is to get out of my head. This is how it starts every time: small moments digging their feet into the backs of even smaller moments beneath, piggybacking to disguise themselves as a large moment, something dramatic and meaningful, something that carries weight on a whole different level. A sign to be impulsive already. Nothings toppled over yet but isn't it due?

I cant keep tricking myself into little trips like these without getting homesick for a whole new home (home is wherever the heart isn't avoiding). Standing on the side of the highway yesterday evening i was terrified of the speed from the cars and the roar and how unnatural it was for the air to be torn. My legs got twitchy while I imagined diving headfirst into gods lacerations. It would be cool to float through someone else's bloodstream for a while, make my way eventually to their brain and get lost in some other persons thoughts. But mostly I was scared. My eyes wouldn't stop looking over my shoulder as I was changing the tire and I wanted to live but I still am not quite sure why. On the way home that night I thought it shouldn't be so hard to want to die.
i need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah.