#1
I'm swimming in this party,
there's a humidity about as
I stroke my way through
the aura of this night. It reminds
me of old band photos from the
90's where the lights are blurred
and stretched. The night's
pretty electric, and water's
a good conductor.

Pace my way around the
edges of this fishbowl with
a red cup. However,
I can't help but feel
otherterrestial to this
ocean. I'd like to try and
talk to someone, but I have
to save my air supply.
My boots and helmet start
to weigh me down.
My suit seems constricted and
I just want to leave.
I'm abound in species,
and they're all just vestigal.

I don't talk to women at parties.
My friends say that there are plenty of
fish in the sea,
but I'm usually stuck in the atmosphere.
Last edited by JustRooster at Mar 19, 2012,
#3
this is what i wrote prior to the edits. still relevant


i think this is an instance where this metaphor popped into your mind and you wrote about it well up to a point: that point being the wind-down of the second stanza.
after that, though, instead of continuing on with the metaphor and closing it in the same way, it seems you began to lose confidence in us as readers and mistrust us, like we wouldn't be able to draw the connection you wanted us to or really understand what you meant. so you got rid of the metaphor and in came this weak ending and it just fell apart.

not to mention that i'm pretty much the same way at parties until i get totally ****ing obliterated. so it's kind of...disappointing, i suppose, that this is a piece i'm already predisposed to identify with but it just didn't happen because you got a little paranoid.
the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn


#4
I feel the piece but it reminds me of my style when i started out. Im not bashing you in any way, but its too wordy; it needs to be simplified for a song. It could work with an experimental piece though. It is great poetry, but poems don't always make great songs. Always try to have the mind set that less is more. Especially if you are writing lyrics before music because what you have in your head is cool, but it could evolve as you go therefore changing the flow of your words or making the the music too busy or worse frustrating you in the writing process. What helped me was to read liner notes and lyric sheets to help gain knowledge and perspective. Ive always had some knack for writing awesome lyrics but having trouble writing music to them b/c of timing, but you have to have a foundation and patience. Do what works best for you and the best thing is to just go with the flow and dont over complicate things for yourself.