#1
we all have lawyer jokes

three lawyers on a boat
one says to the other
"i'm going on a biz trip,
need you to water my fern.
i'll give you $5 and a handjob later
to do it."
2nd lawyer agrees
1st lawyer comes back from trip
2nd lawyer is in steam room
getting handjob from 3rd lawyer
1st lawyer says "what the heck
now how am i supposed to pay you"
2nd lawyer says
"gimme another 5 dollars"
laugh track
#2
Boy, its so cold outside, I saw a lawyer with his hand in his own pockets!
Listens to Jazz

Quote by Local666Union
each time I piss in the dark I'm afraid that some wierd plant is going to eat my dick



#3
Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" wonders one of the lawyers. "Watch, and you'll see," replies one of the engineers.

They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats while all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The lawyers see this and agree it is quite a clever idea. After the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed lawyer. "Watch, and you'll see," replies one of the engineers.

When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. A few moments later, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
#5
What do lawyers and sperm have in common? One in 400 million has a chance at being a human.
...Stapling helium to penguins since 1949.
#7
^ I'm surprised how well this thread turned out actually. Usually people just be dicks and derail the shit out of it haha.
Quote by DonGlover

You look like a young Eugene Levy, but with a moustache.

Quote by slapsymcdougal
Quote by Dreadnought
Kicking a man when he's down, I'm proud of you

When they're down is the safest time.

Soundcloud
#9
What do you call 5,000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.

How can you tell a lawyer is lying?

Because he's talking.

A lawyer, a con artist, and a thief walk into a bar. Who orders their drink first?

Trick question, they're the same guy.
THE FORUM UPDATE KILLED THE GRADIENT STAR

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2016 NFL Pick 'Em: 10-6
#11
Why don't sharks eat lawyers? Professional courtesy.
#13
oh woe
oh woe
y did you make me
this way
with clops of
black bricks
for a name

oh woe oh woe
i try to make
a fire with no heat
or light

but i fail

it burns
just hot enough
just bright enough
to pass for fire

i fail

i try to give
a man in the desert who is
thirsty
sand to drink

but i fail

maybe because he is delirious
it quenches his thirst

i fail

i used to be
the master
the blood of
many billy goats
i did taste

now i hunger
for their stringy
grey fur

i fail
#14
Quote by neidnarb11890
i saw that
post u deleted
█▐▌█▐▌

So what? Can't a guy accidentally hit the enter key? SHEESH.
#15
Quote by █▐▌█▐▌
oh woe
oh woe
y did you make me
this way
with clops of
black bricks
for a name

oh woe oh woe
i try to make
a fire with no heat
or light

but i fail

it burns
just hot enough
just bright enough
to pass for fire

i fail

i try to give
a man in the desert who is
thirsty
sand to drink

but i fail

maybe because he is delirious
it quenches his thirst

i fail

i used to be
the master
the blood of
many billy goats
i did taste

now i hunger
for their stringy
grey fur

i fail
why
do you
type like

this
?
UG's King Neptune

Quote by AtaBorMan
You're the biggest dick we've had in the Pit for a while.
Quote by SLEESTAK_BRO
Stop talking, you have are the biggest dick the pit has seen in a while.
#16
Guys, stop doing tortilla impressions.
THE FORUM UPDATE KILLED THE GRADIENT STAR

Baltimore Orioles: 2014 AL Eastern Division Champions, 2016: 78-65
Baltimore Ravens: 2012 World Champions, 2016: 1-0
2016 NFL Pick 'Em: 10-6
#18
An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates at Heaven. Saint Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer… you’re in the wrong place.” So the engineer instead reports to the Infernal Gates of Hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer finds he’s dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls the Devil up on the telephone and, in the spirit of a good-natured jibe, askes “So, how’s it going down there?”
The Devil smirks. “Things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”
“What?” asks God with a start. “How’d you get an engineer? That’s a mistake: he should never have gotten down there. Send him up here.”
“No way,” sneers the Devil. “I like having an engineer on the staff. I think I’m gonna keep him.”
“Send him back up here,” roars God and, with all his righteous rage, adds “or I’ll sue!”
“Oh really?” asks the Devil coyly. “And just where are you going to get a lawyer?”

Source: http://komplexify.com/math/humor.html
"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."
#19
Quote by MH400
I'm at Law School

It's OK Mr. Dante Alighieri, you'll reach the Ninth Circle and be swallowed by Satan soon enough.

--------------╯╰--------------
A SIGNATURE.
--------------╮╭--------------
#20
Why do Lawyers wear ties?

To keep the foreskin down...
“Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge.”
Charles Darwin
#21
I read all on above post that every user share a lawyer joke. So all the jokes are very funny and I really enjoying it. But I just only says that lawyer is so important person in our society.
#22
"What do you call a ship full of lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A step in the right direction!" - Guybrush Threepwood
Quote by Ichikurosaki
sloth is hacking away feebly at the grass because he is a sloth but he was trying so hard ;_; hes all "penguin im HERE i am here to help you penguin"
#23
Quote by AndruLuka
I read all on above post that every user share a lawyer joke. So all the jokes are very funny and I really enjoying it. But I just only says that lawyer is so important person in our society.



who the fuck are you and what the fuck are you doing
It's over simplified, So what!

Quote by eGraham
I'm going to be on top of what is called a knob
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Big ones can be fun in some ways but generally, they are a pain in the ass.
Quote by Wolfinator-x
I don't know what is going on in this thread or why I have an erection.
#25
Your ex wife and your lawyer are both drowning, what do you do first?

Catch a movie or go out to dinner?

Not as funny as the others
455 75 34 88


(´・ω・`)


Quote by strait jacket
Do you like being sigged or, like me do you feel strangely violated?
#26
Quote by AndruLuka
I read all on above post that every user share a lawyer joke. So all the jokes are very funny and I really enjoying it. But I just only says that lawyer is so important person in our society.


I don't know how to feel about this...
#27
Quote by █▐▌█▐▌
we all have lawyer jokes

three lawyers on a boat
one says to the other
"i'm going on a biz trip,
need you to water my fern.
i'll give you $5 and a handjob later
to do it."
2nd lawyer agrees
1st lawyer comes back from trip
2nd lawyer is in steam room
getting handjob from 3rd lawyer
1st lawyer says "what the heck
now how am i supposed to pay you"
2nd lawyer says
"gimme another 5 dollars"
laugh track

I don't get it.

Quote by CrimsonBizzare
Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" wonders one of the lawyers. "Watch, and you'll see," replies one of the engineers.

They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats while all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The lawyers see this and agree it is quite a clever idea. After the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed lawyer. "Watch, and you'll see," replies one of the engineers.

When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. A few moments later, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

Also I get this but why is it being lawyers and engineers relevant?
#28
Quote by █▐▌█▐▌
oh woe
oh woe
y did you make me
this way
with clops of
black bricks
for a name

oh woe oh woe
i try to make
a fire with no heat
or light

but i fail

it burns
just hot enough
just bright enough
to pass for fire

i fail

i try to give
a man in the desert who is
thirsty
sand to drink

but i fail

maybe because he is delirious
it quenches his thirst

i fail

i used to be
the master
the blood of
many billy goats
i did taste

now i hunger
for their stringy
grey fur

i fail

Quote by korinaflyingv
On the come up we were listening to Grateful Dead and the music started passing through my bowel and out my arsehole as this violet stream of light. I shat music. It was beautiful.
#31
Quote by █▐▌█▐▌
I ask for lawyer jokes
people post
lawyer jokes

this thread
is a
failure

you make me
miss
tortilla

EDIT:
Quote by AndruLuka
I read all on above post that every user share a lawyer joke. So all the jokes are very funny and I really enjoying it. But I just only says that lawyer is so important person in our society.

What the fuck.
Quote by slapsymcdougal
I'm cockblocked regularly by my appearance and personality.
Last edited by Ometh at Nov 8, 2012,
#32
Quote by captainsnazz
Why do they
bury lawyers
under five metres
of dirt
?
Because deep down
they're really
good people



That was honestly funny to me.
Knowledge is power
#33
Quote by AndruLuka
I read all on above post that every user share a lawyer joke. So all the jokes are very funny and I really enjoying it. But I just only says that lawyer is so important person in our society.

That is a good joke.
One of the third friendliest users
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Void is a wanker that's why

#34
Quote by CrimsonBizzare
Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. [rest of joke]


#35
Quote by MadClownDisease
Also I get this but why is it being lawyers and engineers relevant?

I had read it before, remembered it involved lawyers and I copypasted it - they're not really relevant but that's just how the joke is written.

Quote by AndruLuka
I read all on above post that every user share a lawyer joke. So all the jokes are very funny and I really enjoying it. But I just only says that lawyer is so important person in our society.

You registered, searched for threads involving lawyers, and bumped an 8-month old thread to post that shit? You're an arse. Probably a lawyer.
#36
Quote by CrimsonBizzare
You registered, searched for threads involving lawyers, and bumped an 8-month old thread to post that shit? You're an arse. Probably a lawyer.

Oh shit. I didn't even realize . Check his sig, He's a lawyer pig!
he also bumped a 6 month old thread about guitar insurance lol. Yea, he's a law-bot.
FORZA CATANIA
Last edited by jonathan666666 at Nov 8, 2012,
#37
"The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." - Shakespeare
We're all alright!
#38
what is a definition of waste? A bus full of lawyers going off a cliff with one empty seat in the back.

ron666