Page 1 of 2
#1
Right, this here thread is to share ways of how to make awesome shit so I'll begin with telling you fools how to make a triple chocolate chilli stout...



Heating up dat water for the mash (around 74 degrees C)



Dem ingredients: Maris Otter pale malt (3.5kg) Chocolate malt (1.5kg) Roast Barley (1kg) Torrified Wheat (0.5kg). Lindt Chilli Chocolate and Cocoa Powder that Tesco very kindly gave me or free - use at your own discretion as I did. Don't go mad though.



Get dat mash on. Add your ingredients to the water and stir thoroughly till a nice porridge like consistency is reached and lower temperature to around 66 degrees C so you get some o' dem lovely beta sugars coming out fo' flava. I chucked a few crushed chillis in this bitch as well for the hell of it. This is also where you add the cocoa powder but we save the actual chocolate for later.



Because a brotha gotta eat maaaaaan. And Medoc is a delightful wine.



Dat sparging. Pour water of a similar temperature to your mash over the top of the mash gently. This makes sure you get all the sugars out of the malt so you've got a good amount of sugars to ferment into alcohol INNIT! Do this till you have 15 - 18 litres or so or until the liquor drawn off is no longer sweet to the taste.



MEANWHILE, melt your chocolate in some of the liquor that you're currently running off and make sure it's all stirred in well and a smooth consistency is reached. Then chuck it in with the rest of the liquor.



Return dat liquor to the boiler, add your first charge of hops and wait for it to come to the boil. Boil it for 90 minutes. My hop additions went thus:
Magnum: Start of boil
Green Bullet: 45 minutes into the boil
Sorachi Ace: 10 minutes from end of boil and two protofloc tablets
MOAR Sorachi Ace: at the end of the boil.

Use your hops sparingly - it's only a stout remember, you want your malt flavours to be dominant. I would give amounts of hops used at certain times but I just guessed it. I also added two tablespoons of black treacle at the end of the boil as well just because I ****ING FELT LIKE IT.



Return dat boiled liquor to your fermenting vessel and use a hydrometer to take the original gravity. http://www.rooftopbrew.net/abv.php use this link to work out how strong your beer is going to be and then figure out how much water to add to get desired ABV. You do this by diving current original gravity by desired gravity and then multiplying it by how much liquor you have.



Toppin' dat biatch up yo!



Leave to cool to around 22-25 degrees C and then pitch dat yeast that you must have! Then use your sisters' duvets to insulate your fermenting vessels and leave it for around a week. You'll need a room with a relatively stable temperature for best results. Bottle it, put it in a cask, put it in a polykeg (I DON'T GIVE A ****) and leave it for a few weeks then drink that ****er.

NOW POST MOAR DAMMIT
The DNA results show that Jeremy Kyle is a nob.


Quote by titsmcgee852
I want to look at your sexual naked body.
#2
Quote by Ed Hunter

This reminds me of the time I made stool in a bucket.
Quote by jakesmellspoo
ooh look at me i'm ERIKLENSHERR and i work at fancy pants desk jobs and wear ties and ply barely legal girls with weed and booze i'm such a classy motherfucker.
#3
Quote by ErikLensherr
This reminds me of the time I made stool in a bucket.



What had you been eating to turn your shit into black liquid?
The DNA results show that Jeremy Kyle is a nob.


Quote by titsmcgee852
I want to look at your sexual naked body.
#4
Dude, your house looks like waaaay too much fun!
"If you're looking for me,
you better check under the sea,
because that's where you'll find me..."
#5
Quote by DeathByDestroyr
Dude, your house looks like waaaay too much fun!


Eh, it's alright. I did two brews at the weekend but I didn't take any pictures of the pale ale process. It's similar to the above but slightly less messy and with less dicking about.
The DNA results show that Jeremy Kyle is a nob.


Quote by titsmcgee852
I want to look at your sexual naked body.
#6
ok, you know, this would have been a really intense idea where i would have shown everybody how to make jizz-in-pants waffles but since you wrote the OP like a stereotypical black man i cant be arsed.
#7
Quote by Spaztikko
ok, you know, this would have been a really intense idea where i would have shown everybody how to make jizz-in-pants waffles but since you wrote the OP like a stereotypical black man i cant be arsed.


I am a stereotypical black man, what of it?
The DNA results show that Jeremy Kyle is a nob.


Quote by titsmcgee852
I want to look at your sexual naked body.
#8
Quote by Ed Hunter
What had you been eating to turn your shit into black liquid?

I don't remember.

Or maybe I do and I don't wanna give away my recipe.
Quote by jakesmellspoo
ooh look at me i'm ERIKLENSHERR and i work at fancy pants desk jobs and wear ties and ply barely legal girls with weed and booze i'm such a classy motherfucker.
#9
Quote by ErikLensherr
I don't remember.

Or maybe I do and I don't wanna give away my recipe.


You cheeky little twat.
The DNA results show that Jeremy Kyle is a nob.


Quote by titsmcgee852
I want to look at your sexual naked body.
#10
Quote by ErikLensherr
I don't remember.

Or maybe I do and I don't wanna give away my recipe.


Quote by Ed Hunter
You cheeky little twat.

#11
u /fit/ brah?
Quote by SlackerBabbath
My ideal woman would be a grossly overweight woman who would happy go jogging, come home all sweaty and let me put my dick under her armpit while she shuffles a pack of cards.

Stay classy, pit.
#12
Hungarian Goulash

Finely chop up half an onion and fry it in a saucepan until brown.

Add some diced pork chops, cook on medium heat until the meat is white.

Add some Goulash powder(If you don't have any, get some from a market or something) and then cook for a further 5-10 minutes.

While it's cooking, boil the kettle. Then put 6-8 tomatoes in a bowl and pour the water in the bowl. Leave for a few minutes. During this time, get a vegetable stock cube and pour some boiling water until it dissolves.

Add the stock to the pork.

Get the tomatoes, and peel the skin off.(This is a pain in the arse, you can leave it if you cba)

Cut the tomatoes in half, and then add to the pork.

Let it cook until the tomatoes have become smaller.

Then add salt, pepper, garlic puree and tomato puree. If you want it spicy, add chilli powder. A spoonful of sugar is also nice.

Let it cook for about half an hour, basically until the pork is tender.

Use cornflour to thicken if needs be.

Serve with Salad and pasta
R.I.P Jon Lord, Rory Gallagher and Jimi!
#13
1. Unwrap Hot Pocket
2. Put Hot Pocket in sleeve
3. Cook Hot Pocket in microwave for 2 minutes
4. Eat
#14
inb4 Pickle in a cup
You are now using UG Black.
You are now using UG Classic.


Listening to: Duke Ellington


I'm sick and tired of people calling America the stupidest country in the world. I personally think Europe is the stupidest country.
#15
Sweet and Spicy Red Chicken - Easy as **** Edition

This is a great recipe that's easy as tits and it tastes magnificent.

Also, so get a package of fresh chicken breasts and cut them in half. Bang them down to about a quarter inch thick with a meat hammer or whatever you have lying around. Then mix up the following in a bowl:

2 tbsp brown sugar
2 tsp onion powder
1 tbsp paprika
1 tsp chili powder (or more if you want it more spicy)
1-1/2 tsp salt

And I always throw in a bit of garlic cause I ****ing like it. Stir all that up with a fork and then take it and rub it into the chicken. Really coat them.

Heat up your grill and grill those bad boys for about 2-1/2 minutes on each side and BOOM. Done. And it's delicious. Can also bake them if you're a lazy ****er who can't grill cause he's not a real man.

Suggested Sides

Baked Parmesan Crusted Potato Bites
Fresh Sauteed Green Beans


Get cookin'.
Last edited by CrossBack7 at Mar 20, 2012,
#16
Quote by CrossBack7
Fresh Sauteed Broccoli
Fixed for the better.
You are now using UG Black.
You are now using UG Classic.


Listening to: Duke Ellington


I'm sick and tired of people calling America the stupidest country in the world. I personally think Europe is the stupidest country.
#18
Quote by institutions
1. Unwrap Hot Pocket
2. Put Hot Pocket in sleeve
3. Cook Hot Pocket in microwave for 2 minutes
4. Eat

You're missing a step, unless you want us to incinerate our mouths.
--------------╯╰--------------
A SIGNATURE.
--------------╮╭--------------
#20
*Reserved to post recipe for a balti-style chicken curry after work... unless someone asian comes along and posts a better, more authentic one in the meantime *
Hey, look. Sigs are back.
#21
I didn't just mean food. Just general how to make good shit thread is what I was going for. I don't care if this post is massively late, I've only just got in from work.
The DNA results show that Jeremy Kyle is a nob.


Quote by titsmcgee852
I want to look at your sexual naked body.
#22
Quote by DonGlover
You're missing a step, unless you want us to incinerate our mouths.


That's the plan.
Deliberately leave out a vital step so that you guys hurt yourselves.
#23
Dessert time! My bf loves this recipe and it's easy. The only thing that takes a long time is peeling and coring the apples and pears. I have this recipe saved on my laptop for future references.

Apple and Pear Crisp

Ingredients:

2 pounds ripe Bosc pears (4 pears)

2 pounds firm Macoun apples (6 apples)

1 teaspoon grated orange zest

1 teaspoon grated lemon zest

2 tablespoons freshly squeezed orange juice

2 tablespoons freshly squeezed lemon juice

1/2 cup granulated sugar

1/4 cup all-purpose flour

1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg

For the topping:

1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour

3/4 cup granulated sugar

3/4 cup light brown sugar, lightly packed

1/2 teaspoon kosher salt

1 cup old-fashioned oatmeal

1/2 pound (2 sticks) cold unsalted butter, diced

Directions:

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.

Peel, core, and cut the pears and apples into large chunks. Place the fruit in a large bowl and add the zests, juices, sugar, flour, cinnamon, and nutmeg. Pour into a 9 by 12 by 2-inch oval baking dish.

For the topping:

Combine the flour, sugars, salt, oatmeal, and butter in the bowl of an electric mixer fitted with the paddle attachment. Mix on low speed for 1 minute, until the mixture is in large crumbles. Sprinkle evenly over the fruit, covering the fruit completely.

Place the baking dish on a sheet pan and bake for 50 minutes to 1 hour, until the top is brown and the fruit is bubbly. Serve warm.

EDIT: Forgot to mention of you use salted butter you don't need the 1/2 teaspoon of kosher salt.
STಠ_ಠ
Last edited by Andrea55 at Mar 20, 2012,
#25
Quote by institutions
That's the plan.
Deliberately leave out a vital step so that you guys hurt yourselves.

You tyrant.
--------------╯╰--------------
A SIGNATURE.
--------------╮╭--------------
#27
Quote by RU Experienced?
Step One: Buy fruit
Step Two: Peel fruit (where applicable)
Step Three: Eat fruit

I ain't trifling with no cooking.

Step One: Buy fruit
Step Two: Peel fruit (where applicable)
Step Three: Cook fruit
Step Four: Throw fruit away and eat cake.
--------------╯╰--------------
A SIGNATURE.
--------------╮╭--------------
#28
My personal favorite:


1. Move to Syria
2. Order Shawerma.
3. Pay the dude, and dive in.


I'll be doing that Sweet and Spicy Chicken recipe tomorrow though, do want.
Last edited by ali.guitarkid7 at Mar 20, 2012,
#32
Quote by ali.guitarkid7
My personal favorite:


1. Move to Syria
2. Order Shawerma.
3. Pay the dude, and dive in.


I'll be doing that Sweet and Spicy Chicken recipe tomorrow though, do want.





Srsly? This should only be eaten when pissed out of one's mind.
The DNA results show that Jeremy Kyle is a nob.


Quote by titsmcgee852
I want to look at your sexual naked body.
#33
Irish Stout Bomb


4 Pints of Guinness,Murphys or Beamish
Add a pack of tayto, chewed roughly
Add 5 more pints of the same stout at a slower pace over the next 3 hours with some banter and sexual harassment thrown in. Leering does not count as harassment, you have to get your hands dirty
Stumble down to abrakababra, make the order of your choice
Receive some form of kebab entirely different to what you ordered
Allow ingredients to infuse in your stomach as you sleep

The next morning have an unholy mess of a black shit and garnish with some toilet paper
ಠ_ಠ
<|>
/ω\



Tell me what nation on this earth, was not born of tragedy-Primordial
#34
1. Toast bread of choice
2. Cover in grated mature cheddar
3. Add pepper and Worcester Sauce
4. Melt cheese under grill
5. Eat
6. Change newly cum-stained underpants
Quote by Diemon Dave
Don't go ninjerin nobody don't need ninjerin'
#35

Add hot water


Rotten Playground
Listen to me and Jameh muck about on a podcast
as if you have anything better to do.


Quote by Reverend_Taco
Grass stains on my dicks

Quote by T00DEEPBLUE
Pfft. Gay? Nah, gay is the manliest sex that exists.
#36
Quote by Ed Hunter


Srsly? This should only be eaten when pissed out of one's mind.

No, trust me. It's just not the same anywhere else. I've had them in maybe 6 or 7 different countries, just not the same as here.
#37
Quote by ali.guitarkid7
My personal favorite:


1. Move to Syria
2. Order Shawerma.
3. Pay the dude, and dive in.

My roommates and I in Jordan ate that damn near every day.
Quote by jakesmellspoo
ooh look at me i'm ERIKLENSHERR and i work at fancy pants desk jobs and wear ties and ply barely legal girls with weed and booze i'm such a classy motherfucker.
#38
Jesus wept. Doner meat is rancid when eaten sober and is only acceptable sober whilst part of a brewery lunch when there's no time for anything else.
The DNA results show that Jeremy Kyle is a nob.


Quote by titsmcgee852
I want to look at your sexual naked body.
#39
Currywurst sauce(Basically sweet curry)

This is the mutts nuts.

Anyway...


Heat 2 tbsp. canola oil in a saucepan over medium heat.

Add half a chopped onion; cook until brown

Add 2 tbsp. curry powder and 1 tbsp. hot paprika; cook for 1 minute more.

crush a tin of tomatoes, add to the pan

Add 1⁄2 cup sugar, 1⁄4 cup red wine vinegar, and salt to taste; stir well. Increase heat to high; bring to a boil.

Reduce heat to medium-low and simmer, stirring occasionally, until thickened, about 25 minutes.

Purée sauce in a blender until smooth. Eat with Bratwurst and chips
R.I.P Jon Lord, Rory Gallagher and Jimi!
#40
Two slices of Tesco's Value White Bread, (47p for a loaf), Tesco's Value Beans, (24p a tin). Gently heat bread till it becomes warm and hard, (lololol) pour over hot beans for 'beans on toast'.
Looking to buy a Fender Jagstang, u sellin?
Page 1 of 2