#1
The Architect

When I wake up I find you
Arched over the mattress
Right arm reaching for the time
And I imagine your frame
Transposed onto
Blue graph paper
A hieroglyphic shorthand scrawled
Above the small of your back,
Around the curve of your neck,
Beneath the hem of your knees

It took over a hundred years of deliberate conceptualization
And another ten of herculean labor before
The Sydney Harbor Bridge lit up
The Sydney skyline
And it took an accident (by your own admission)
Less than ten seconds
To humble every hand bold enough
To build it
Last edited by OfLuckAndDust at Mar 21, 2012,
#4
Quote by OfLuckAndDust
I was thinking kind of post-funk post-modern pre-plato industrial grindcore.

Wut?
Quote by JD Close
Piano dick had some good parts, but should have said "As the business man slowly gets boned", would have accented the whole dick feeling of the album
#5
in layman's terms, **** off.

i'm gonna come back to this because i'm in class. expect good things.
the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn


#7
Aight,

Quote by OfLuckAndDust
The Architect

When I wake up I find you
Arched over the mattress
Right arm reaching for the time

I think the way you started out here took too long to give me just one image. It made me shift focus once or twice from what's going on.

And I imagine your frame
Transposed onto
Blue graph paper

Not a huge fan of these line breaks, but that's just preference really.

Notes scrawled above the small of your back,
Around the curve of your neck,
Beneath the hem of your knees
A hieroglyphic shorthand that I see
But don’t understand

"But don't understand" feels like a bit of an overstatement since you mentioned it's a "hieroglyphic shorthand". Same with 'that I see', I'm a little more interested in how it appears to you than how you know it's there.

It took over a hundred years of deliberate conceptualization
And another ten of herculean labor before
The Sydney Harbor Bridge lit up
The Sydney skyline
And it took an accident (by your own admission)
Less than ten seconds
To humble every hand bold enough
To build it

Not sure what you mean by 'deliberate conceptualization', surely most conceptualizing isn't accidental And 'less than ten seconds' sort of feels redundant, too. But other than that, nothing to add to this stanza.

That was very good but it feels a bit messy for a piece that appears to strive for a certain form at first glance.


And I love the genre you're going with. Definitely the under-dog of the Indie scene.
#8
Thanks everybody. Thanks for the line by line, Ali. It's appreciated. The only point i want to contest is that while, yes, all conceptualization is in a sense deliberate most of it is without work ethic and closer to free association than design. We've all imagined buildings in empty fields or galleons on empty ocean but not many of us have gone so far as to imagine the steel beam by beam hewn & stacked & bolted, or the size of those bolts or the contours of those cuts. In that sense I'd say you can draw a distinction between a layman's conceptualizing and that of an architect or carpenter or sculptor.
Last edited by OfLuckAndDust at Mar 20, 2012,
#10
okay first of all before i jump into the poem itself i want to address something you posted
We've all imagined buildings in empty fields or galleons on empty ocean but not many of us have gone so far as to imagine the steel beam by beam hewn & stacked & bolted, or the size of those bolts or the contours of those cuts.

and just say, why the hell isn't there more of that in this? that would push this thing further than it is, i really feel it'd make it great...you clearly have some sort of notion of how to do it already so why not? unless of course you just don't feel like it belongs, but it'd be pretty fantastic i think if you decided to.

onwards.

from the first line to "notes scrawled" i got such a great picture and that technique will never get old - a metaphor within which there are words directly pertaining to it - is it metonymy? i dunno, whatever - point is, arched and frame, notes scrawled on blue paper, those are all things we associate with architecture and i think it was great you used them here in the way you did. i can deal with curve, but hem is offputting. i am obviously unfamiliar with terms that pertain to buildings but i think i can reasonably say that most people are and thus 'hem' isn't something we'd believe as being linked, and when you break from your diction like that it hurts. you mentioned bolts and contours before - use that here.
hieroglyphic shorthand but don't understand - well most of us can't read hieroglyphics anyway (and i'm aware you probably don't mean that literally, more in the vein of chickenscratch or unintelligible scribbling, whatever), but i already got the notion that you didn't understand it, it was unnecessary for you to reiterate it.

second stanza, i'd break the line about the harbor bridge right afteer bridge and start the next one with lit up. it reads better and looks better when it's not symmetrical like that - although that's what you may have been going for with the entire architectural idea. i'd also place an "of" in front of less for continuity.
oh and there's a tense problem i think - it's all in the past tense minus that final line, which should probably be changed to "that built it", actually i'd even say you could find a much stronger word than build, construct, erect, etcetc.

i'm gonna need to probably read this again to really try to understand the meaning of the last four lines.

as it stands i really like it, and i don't agree with ali that it's messy per se but rather that it does need a small amount of cleaning up. great work.
the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn


#11
I cleaned up the first stanza a little. I think it reads better now. As for the meaning of the last four lines, I read once that the human mind equates symmetry with beauty and that there is a science to the things we find beautiful. In a moment of chance this girl created a kind of symmetry that would make architects regret the time they spent studying at foreign schools.
#12
This had some great critiques, and it was a wonderful piece to read particularly the ending. Enjoy Writing of the Week!