#1
Well here goes my first post for S&L :P I've recently begun trying to write lyrics (up till now I've just composed the music in bands, and let others do lyrics) and I need some advice and constructive criticism. Keep in mind this only like the second or third serious attempt I've ever made, and it's decently short, but anyways here it goes *braces for criticism*


White mask on a windowsill,
Malevolence comes calling
Where only Shadow's fill.
Dance the day to dwell in tomorrow
Crippled souls
Do they know only sorrow,
When they can only read the back of their hand,
While the sun melts the falling snow
Life isn't ours to reprimand
When the crows feed, the wind will blow.

So come, Shadow's, take my hollow hand
We'll live together
In the darkness of man
Where the only breath we'll taste of light
Is within the very words we'll write.

Two polar souls in love's delay,
Live for tomorrow
So you can regret today.
When you can manipulate your only hope of salvation,
And you just can't seem
To find an explanation,
Why the light refracts in crystal mirrors
When harsh hours fall on the grumbling sky
It's better to fall in bottomless tremors
In ourselves we trust, in dignity we die.

Come, Malevolence, take my hallowed hand,
We'll live together
In the last days of man.
Where the only breathe I'll taste of light
Is with the very words you'll write.
#2
That's actually pretty awesome. What kind of music do you think you'll put to it? Keep it up
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#3
Thank you I play mostly metal and most of the bands I've played in have played thrash or really aggressive speed metal, but I've been moving away from that towards a more melodic, emotional, approach. Emotional beyond the point of just being angry all the time and sounding like Megadeth meets Slayer, at least. Not that there is anything wrong with that, I love that sort of thing, but I feel emotionally uninspired anymore to write that sort of music. Also, when I say melodic, I don't mean like metalcore or anything like that.

As for what it will actually be used for, beats me. Probably the above sortaish described style, or use it as inspiration for another instrumental for the symphonic metal thing. I'm not really sure what I want to put it though, really.
#4
Sorry for double post, but if anyone has any advice or anything they think could be improved, I'd appreciate it
#5
You could always try to make it a ballad similar to something like Pantera's "Cemetery Gates". (If you're not familiar with it, look the song up on Youtube.) I think it would fit the song well to have a softer verse and then go heavy on the Chorus. Plus, if you do it right, you could really show some excellent musicianship in between stanzas, before/after the chorus, etc. Of course, do what you want...these suggestions are just my 2cents. It has GREAT potential, man.
Last edited by crazysam23_Atax at Mar 21, 2012,
#6
Thanks I could see if definitely going in that sort of direction like Cemetary Gates (which rules) and I expect the instrumental musicianship to be prominent in a lot of ways, since I lean towards that style of writing. Thanks for the suggestions
#7
As for what it will actually be used for, beats me. Probably the above sortaish described style, or use it as inspiration for another instrumental for the symphonic metal thing. I'm not really sure what I want to put it though, really.