#1
crit4crit
NEW POSITION

Unemployed and tired
Trying to find a new postion,
That won't hurt my back
On this wornout matress.
Turning and tossing at night
Trying to find the right spot,
On an empty bed
That won't hurt my heart.

Chug away moonshine,
Drink a bottle of fine scotch;
In the end you get sloppy drunk.
You could look at the sky,
Tell her she outshines the sun;
In the end you just want to fu ck.

Behind the mirror that I smashed
Of this medicine cabinet,
I hope that there's a pill
That puts the pain into perspective.
"Suffering is a part of life"
Ha! Are you sure it's not the whole,
The label says don't take with alcohol
Well goddamit with the rules.

Chug away moonshine,
Drink a bottle of fine scotch;
In the end you get sloppy drunk.
You could look at the sky,
Tell her she outshines the sun;
In the end you just want to fu ck.

If life is so pointless,
Why are we so quick to point at each other?
A nation of illiterates;
We can only judge a book by it's cover.

But if someone could read my life story
Here would be the underlying message;
Don't ever let dreaming while you're alseep
Take precedence to dreaming while you're awake.
#2
Quote by themarsvolta

Unemployed and tired
Trying to find a new postion, Try replacing "trying to find", with "searching for"
That won't hurt my back
On this wornout matress.
Turning and tossing at night
Trying to find the right spot,
On an empty bed
That won't hurt my heart.

Chug away moonshine, Put a "the" after away
Drink a bottle of fine scotch;
In the end you get sloppy drunk. Id probably get rid of this line
You could look at the sky,
Tell her she outshines the sun;
In the end you just want to fu ck. maybe "But only really wanting to ****"

Behind the mirror that I smashed
Of this medicine cabinet,
I hope that there's a pill
That puts the pain into perspective.
"Suffering is a part of life"
Ha! Are you sure it's not the whole,
The label says don't take with alcohol
Well goddamit with the rules.

This whole verse seems like your trying to be all metaphorical but it comes across as really blunt, try working on this

Chug away moonshine,
Drink a bottle of fine scotch;
In the end you get sloppy drunk.
You could look at the sky,
Tell her she outshines the sun;
In the end you just want to fu ck.

If life is so pointless,
Why are we so quick to point at each other?
A nation of illiterates;
We can only judge a book by it's cover.

But if someone could read my life story
Here would be the underlying message;
Don't ever let dreaming while you're alseep
Take precedence to dreaming while you're awake.
Liked this verse, bit cluttered but good idea



Not too bad really, seems kind of rushed though, think you need to spend some more time on it.