#1
the pieces
a fragrance like chewing gum roses
the crumbling cathedrals we built
to house our innocence
not wholly our own anymore.
you kept your eyes affixed to me
as i took our love to the street
and beat it unmercifully.
pressed my hands against the neck of this
bottle of spirits that possesses me
hate it for how it fills and empties me
erodes away to say nothing of meaningless scripture
that lessens the meaning of our domestic adventures
we spit on each other and drag the corpse back through our door
place it on the dinner table and eat in silence as we divorce
this fantasy from our gaping hearts.
#2
I must say, that was kind of moving. The only thing I'd suggest revising is putting commas in some spots. Obviously, don't mess up your rhythm at all, but it may help others visualize your rhythm if there's a few commas.
#4
Quote by JustRooster
Really, really cliche.


it'd be nice if you expanded on that.
#5
you kept your eyes affixed to me
as i took our love to the street
and beat it unmercifully.

god
the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn


#6
Quote by NGD1313
it'd be nice if you expanded on that.



Tattering love
destroyed building as a metaphor
drinking because you're sad
yada yada yada yada...


It's just so... done before.
OBEY THE MIGHTY SHITKICKER
#7
ahh rooster isn't one of the entire points of writing to tell you something you already know in a new or different way?
the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn


#8
Quote by Cobrevolution
ahh rooster isn't one of the entire points of writing to tell you something you already know in a new or different way?



I don't think so.
OBEY THE MIGHTY SHITKICKER
#9
Quote by JustRooster
Tattering love
destroyed building as a metaphor
drinking because you're sad
yada yada yada yada...


It's just so... done before.


ah, i see. well the content belongs to the reader but i'm not sure if what you're taking from this is what i intended to put into it. i appreciate your thoughts nonetheless. thanks for the words.
#10
Quote by NGD1313
ah, i see. well the content belongs to the reader but i'm not sure if what you're taking from this is what i intended to put into it. i appreciate your thoughts nonetheless. thanks for the words.



That's probably the case, I misinterpret lots of people's stuff.
OBEY THE MIGHTY SHITKICKER
#11
I don't think so.

then, prithee, share. i've always been of the mind that we write to relieve pain, to create beauty, and to make someone say "i've never read something like that before."
the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn


#12
well every theme has been done before, and admittedly this one has been more than most. but I really like what you did around it. thats what its all about.
i need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah.
#13
Quote by Cobrevolution
then, prithee, share. i've always been of the mind that we write to relieve pain, to create beauty, and to make someone say "i've never read something like that before."



To each their own.


I didn't like it, I explained why, and that was that. I frankly don't see what's so discussionworthy.
OBEY THE MIGHTY SHITKICKER
#14

To each their own.


I didn't like it, I explained why, and that was that. I frankly don't see what's so discussionworthy.

i was hoping to perhaps hear what you thought are important aspects of writing, the why-do-we-do-thises, the motives, etcetc. i've only saved your 'flowers and meadows' and it's one of my all-time favorite pieces, but i feel like you'd look at it and be guilty of cliche as well - realizing love, or enduring, or whatever the real meaning is behind it, the point remains that you're telling us something we all already have felt, but you did it beautifully.

i think ngd has a great piece here and i'm just trying to find out, well, if this isn't something you're looking for in writing, what else could you be looking for?
the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn


#16
Quote by Cobrevolution
i think ngd has a great piece here and i'm just trying to find out, well, if this isn't something you're looking for in writing, what else could you be looking for?

Now that this has brought up, I'm also curious...
#17
I don't see how me thinking his themes were cliche should turn into a great philosophical discussion about my ideologies in writing. I didn't like it, to each their own, whatever.
OBEY THE MIGHTY SHITKICKER
#18
because, rooster, there's something flawed in the way you're thinking. saying this theme is cliche or that idea is outdated but writing about things that have been done half a million times before is extraordinarily hypocritical.

if you're writing about a lost love or a heartbreak, you wouldn't dislike it, would you? but if someone else does it's cliche. hence why i'm curious as to what makes what you like and what you write different.

besides, it's not a 'great philosophical discussion', it's, at most, a professor's question on the first day of semester: 'what does writing mean for you?'
the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn


#19
Also because, at this point in the human race's existence, just about everything has been talked about before this. Love, emotion, etc. are hardly new to humanity. Now, your answer to "What does writing mean for you?" please, Rooster.
#20
I don't know that I agree with JR about this piece in particular, but I understand where he's coming from. It's not just that the topic has been done before... every topic has been done to death at this point; but the fact that when you read a certain piece, it fits in the exact niche that a topic has carved out.

While I don't think master NGD was referring to a literal divorce (and hence my disagreement with JR), if he was and the image he went with was the "world crumbling," he isn't approaching the topic in some new way... he's not giving something that hasn't been described by 100 others. If it's a piece for therapy... good on him, it doesn't matter... but if you want someone to critique it, the only truthful thing to say is that it is cliche.

If this piece was about a literal failing love; it is cliche. It's the drinking and world crumbling bullshit that we all come to know and love from broken-hearted 15 year olds who just found out their girlfriend is talking to the football team captain. But that is not what I get at all.


On the piece:

To be honest, this didn't rock my world. It didn't suck and there's nothing writing wise that I think stands out as weak; but it just didn't have any punch to it. Just seemed so understated, and I felt like the tone was building to some sort of crescendo that didn't really come; which left me a bit disappointed because that build up was what I thought the piece really had going for it.

Anyhow, nice to read you again.
#21
Quote by Cobrevolution
because, rooster, there's something flawed in the way you're thinking. saying this theme is cliche or that idea is outdated but writing about things that have been done half a million times before is extraordinarily hypocritical.

if you're writing about a lost love or a heartbreak, you wouldn't dislike it, would you? but if someone else does it's cliche. hence why i'm curious as to what makes what you like and what you write different.

besides, it's not a 'great philosophical discussion', it's, at most, a professor's question on the first day of semester: 'what does writing mean for you?'



I already listed above the things I thought were cliche. I'm sorry, but I don't think my views on the writing are flawed simply because we disagree.

I'm not going to answer the question. You two are already on the hunt to try and disprove everything I'm saying here simply because we disagreed. I'm not going to stoke the flames and continue to give you guys a reason to unfoundedly tell me whether my opinions are right or wrong.

I'm finished here. I'm sorry you're disappointed, but maybe you should take a step back and realize that views are views, and that maybe yours isn't 'correct or someone else's isn't 'incorrect.'
OBEY THE MIGHTY SHITKICKER
#22
oh, don't be so paranoid, rooster. i'm not on a vicious hunt to disprove you, i understand that your views are your own, i just don't understand your reasoning.

but you listed the gist of the poem in the barest, most minimal way possible and when i asked what writing meant to you you completely ignored me, for some reason. i don't get how that's a question that makes you bare your fangs. but, whatever you say.
the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn


#25
thank you all for the words. it's been some time since anything i've written has warranted this much discussion. Jimmy, Ryan it is always lovely to hear from you. To the others who i do not know as well, but appreciate no less, thank you for the fresh(er) perspectives.

Quote by ZanasCross
If this piece was about a literal failing love; it is cliche. It's the drinking and world crumbling bullshit that we all come to know and love from broken-hearted 15 year olds who just found out their girlfriend is talking to the football team captain. But that is not what I get at all.


On the piece:

To be honest, this didn't rock my world. It didn't suck and there's nothing writing wise that I think stands out as weak; but it just didn't have any punch to it. Just seemed so understated, and I felt like the tone was building to some sort of crescendo that didn't really come; which left me a bit disappointed because that build up was what I thought the piece really had going for it.

Anyhow, nice to read you again.


i wanted to address this specifically in regards to my intended meaning here. i'm not a fan of explaining a piece but if it helps to contextualize my metaphors and meanings then i will have no issue with this being labeled cliche or beautiful or anything between.

conceptually, this is about as anti-love as it gets. the idea is of a married couple that has come to hate each other unconditionally. they dream of beating their love to death and spitting on each other but instead sit at the dinner table with the metaphorical corpse of their love laying between them.

so no, it's not really about a literal divorce but i did put some thought into that when i chose my line breaks. it ends with the couple temporarily divorcing their hateful fantasies instead of each other, if only to eat and not say a word. that's also why there is no crescendo per se, because they stay together in spite of themselves. they dream of fireworks but never make them.

it's a certain type of marriage i've encountered a few times in my life and one that interests me. i won't argue that it's not some form of therapy, but i feel like most anything i write is, in one way or another.

all of that aside, whether this piece means what i meant it to or not, i am just glad that you took to time to read and comment this Zach. your perspective especially is a unique one in this place and i always appreciate hearing from you.
#26
Quote by crazysam23_Atax
Ok. Well, I apologize for offending you, Rooster. Everything's cool now, I hope?



We coo.
OBEY THE MIGHTY SHITKICKER
#27
I think the story is clear enough. The title might be space to do something more, though, and avoid any 'confusion' people might come across, not to say there ever was any in this case. It's not a bad title, though. Just think it could benefit the whole poem more than just the one theme/string through it.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#28
Quote by NGD1313

conceptually, this is about as anti-love as it gets. the idea is of a married couple that has come to hate each other unconditionally. they dream of beating their love to death and spitting on each other but instead sit at the dinner table with the metaphorical corpse of their love laying between them.


Surprisingly enough, that's almost exactly where I went with my interpretation. I wasn't trying to say that I didn't get anti-love at all; but I didn't get cliche break-up stuff either. That's where I made the jump off of the cliche train. So, I'd say your content, at least, was successful in coming across.

Cheers.