#1
You'll stay blue eyed, like a tundra water,
With half its warmth but just as breathtaking
In that one dress, cinnamon pepper and cocoa black.

Street lights flicker.
At your back the day dares steal a glance out of turn,
To see sun kissed pecan skin framed by last night's locks.
Not frozen fingertips, and ink blemished cotton damming your eyes,
While rivers flow gently from salty lakes.
Once sweet, now acrid black streams
Babble softly over wind grazed hills
Into downturned valleys.
Last edited by pbuckley18 at Mar 30, 2012,
#2
This had some potentially wonderful imagery, but it lacked continuity and enough pace for me to appreciate any of them fully. For instance, the line breaks were awkward and didn't add anything positive or constructive to the themes or words themselves, and the constant punctuation breaks also obstructed the flow. In my opinion, for a piece like this with such beautiful words and complex images, it would be better fitting to use open and easy-going breaks, from both the punctuation and from the lines.

I also felt that some of the word choices - such as "Once sweet, now acrid mascara streams/Babble softly, over wind grazed cheekbones" - lacked fluidity in terms of what you were actually trying to say. As clever and 'wow' as they sounded out loud, and as pretty as they looked on paper, the sentence as a whole didn't especially hit home or make me feel emotional, which is not what the words themselves eluded to. It's like you were trying to romanticise an unpoetic image. Just write it for what it is - that's what I say. But that's just my opinion and my take on your piece.

You may think this was me being nothing but negative, but apart from not really feeling any connection to the poem, it did have some very pretty symbolism and creativity. So from that perspective, well done - just go easy with it.
#3
If this is really your first, I'm impressed. You know how to write and this was a decent read. That being said, it's got nothing of it's own. Just a series of oft-used metaphors and a slight twist at the end that I've read a thousand times.

Also, I would use the word black or some equivalent instead of "mascara", gets the same point across without shouting it.
I want Super Saiyan abilities
#4
As for AngryGolfish, thanks, there's been something about this annoying me all day and I haven't been able to put my finger on it. I think I was writing it like I would an essay, with all the punctuation. I'm going to re-write this and fix it up later.

Rebelmidget: I've written songs before but but this is first thing that would ever come close to being called a poem. I get where you're coming from though, it's pretty overused. It just came from seeing a girl crying on the street, I guess that's why it seems unoriginal?
#5
Nice stuff. I'd remove the apostrophe in "it's" and add one to "nights," but that's just punctuation.
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