#1
Like kids in the waters of tropical isles,
giddy with uncontrollable giggles and smiles,
fingers interlaced and drawn to sea,
I know, baby, I missed you, too.

Palm tree sways and shade,
contrasts cut deep blues and reds,
the wrinkles on your toes,
secret conversations had nose to nose,

wait there to feel the breathe,
three words push the air and lift,
pull in tighter and we press,
eyes closed as we kissed,

speak words to songs I hadn't yet wrote,
out to the wavebreaks we float,
come closer as tomorrow chills the air,
and we don't care,
and we don't care.
OBEY THE MIGHTY SHITKICKER
Last edited by JustRooster at Mar 31, 2012,
#2
Hmmm...I almost get this nihilistic "I used to be that way" vibe from this piece. Maybe it's just because of the title and the last 2 lines.

It paints a nice picture, the idea of a tropical/possibly island romance. But it just...it feels flat; as if the protagonist's heart was in it once but isn't any longer. Maybe I'm misinterpreting, but it's almost detached...

Like I said, it may just be a misinterpretation.

I'm tired too; maybe it'll feel more alive tomorrow, man.
#3
You got half the feeling, but maybe not the intent. I'm always more pessimistic about work late at night, too, though.
OBEY THE MIGHTY SHITKICKER
#4
You know I really liked this, mostly because it conveyed a feeling in the most utterly detaching manner.

I did think the second stanza was the weakest to the point of being redundant, but the rest was really beautiful.
This is not a pipe