#1
He Said,
'Son,
when your young,
It doesn't matter where you sleep at night.
At 21,
it seems like fun,
to sleep in parks, as high as kites.
But soon there comes a time and place,
and soon all your past friendships fade.
What I'm trying to say is that you grow up,
Find a job, find a house, find a family, find love.
You don't want to be homeless when your 54 and dying,
you don't want to be homeless, undignified, at night crying.
You don't want to be homeless, so make something of yourself.
Get a job no matter what. Clean cars and stack shelves.
When your young,
It doesn't matter where you sleep at night.
But trust me son,
It's never going to be "Alright" '
He said.
#4
Instead of "when your young", it should be "when you're young". Jeese. At least use basic grammar, when writing poetry. That turned me off the whole poem. It made it sound immature, like a you're still in grade school.
#5
Oh dear. A basic typing error. Jeese. And I even posted it on the Songwriting and Lyrics Thread for some constructive criticism. Heavens. How could I have assumed that such a major mistake would harm such an immature piece, when it was posted in hope of constructive criticism on such things. I guess I must be at grade school then.
#7
Am I? Or perhaps you are. You see, the definition of the word arrogant reads 'Having or revealing an exaggerated sense of one's own importance or abilities.' It seems to me that you took it upon yourself to go past the point of helping me by picking out an error and take it upon yourself to try and demean me. If that isn't a display of ones 'own importance or abilities' then I certainly don't know what is.

Thank for pointing out the mistake, but apart from that, you've been nothing but a petty annoyance.
#8
well for the sake of construction, i really think you should find a way to include your own voice in this poem, or any poem for that matter. otherwise you are just passing along someone else's message, whereas the object of poetry i think is to communicate the relationship you have with all that you've experienced personally.
Last edited by Arthur Curry at Apr 1, 2012,
#9
Quote by Arthur Curry
well for the sake of construction, i really think you should find a way to include your own voice in this poem, or any poem for that matter. otherwise you are just passing along someone else's message, whereas the object of poetry i think is to communicate the relationship you have with all that you've experienced personally.


Thanks. Could you point me to certain parts in the poem in which your refering to (unless you mean the whole piece) and if possible explain some of what you mean. Again, many thanks.
#10
certainly! all the content of this piece is in quotations, presumably from the mouth of an old drunkard. as a reader i'm lead to believe that, since you've only reproduced his words, that you are in 100% agreement with the drunkard. which is fine, perfectly acceptable, i only wish you'd invoke your own personality, your own vantage point, and show me in what ways you relate to this man, or somehow illustrate the reason his advice would be of particular import to you, or something like that...basically just tell the reader "where you are coming from"

you know because the beauty of poetry (i think) is that it can only originate out of our personal experiences. you'll never come to know anything as much as you will come to know yourself and what changes you. so when you draw yourself absent from whatever it is you're writing, it just becomes less significant in my eyes.

but really i don't know what i'm talking about. all in all i think you have a good concept here, just would have liked to see more of your own presence in the piece.
Last edited by Arthur Curry at Apr 1, 2012,
#11
Quote by ultrasonic
It seems to me that you took it upon yourself to go past the point of helping me by picking out an error and take it upon yourself to try and demean me. If that isn't a display of ones 'own importance or abilities' then I certainly don't know what is.

Fine. I apologize if you felt that's what I was doing. But it does make one look bad when one mistakes "your" for "you're". My only intent was to point that you'd look more professional if you corrected it. I obviously did so in a negative way, and I apologize for having done so.