#1
I'm new to writing lyrics and would like someones critical opinion on this song I'm working on, bare in mind it's incomplete.


I thought that I could write you just a little song,
Just shout me, tell me if I was wrong,
I haven't seen you now for maybe a couple months,
and when I last looked you were with some guy,
leave a little hint, tell me what to do,
or I'll spend my life trying to get you,
Should I just leave now before I get depressed,
or should I stay for a while you seem in distress again,

I thought that you were gone,
You had left my mind,
But I looked a little closer,
You wern't hard to find,

And now I'm all alone,
But I'm not too stressed,
you'll get what you deserve,
Your lifes just a wreck,

I left the house so I could have a couple fags,
I hoped you won't find out cause you're already mad,
I figure there's nothing I can do to make things worse,
So one more thing can't really hurt,
We used to be so close, what happened then,
You cheated, lied and were out with other men,
You should take a look at yourself in the mirror,
It would be good and help you see things clearer now,

I thought that you were gone,
You had left my mind,
But I looked a little closer,
You wern't hard to find,

And now I'm all alone,
But I'm not too stressed,
you'll get what you deserve,
Your lifes just a wreck,


Thanks

Edit, third verse and final chorus below

I told everyone that I left you,
When truth be told that the one who left was you,
I went out, got drunk and couldn't stagger home,
Just to kill the thoughts of being all alone,
I learned my lesson, I wasn't taught it twice,
You leaving me has been quite nice,
I don't need you when I've got my friends,
And that I'm afraid is where my point ends,

And now I know you're gone,
You have left my mind,
But I looked a little closer,
You wern't there to find,

And now I'm all alone,
But I'm not too stressed,
you'll get what you deserve,
Your lifes just a wreck,

EDIT 2
Re-read through the rules and changed a couple of lines so they definatly won't be against the rules
* If my punctuation seems off, it's because my shift button is broken *
Last edited by kbabz22 at Apr 3, 2012,
#2
The verses feel like a bunch of heartfelt, frank, but artless statements. Lots of people have made lots of money writing songs that are comprised of a bunch of heartfelt, frank, but artless statements, so that's fine, but that's how it feels to me. The chorus is good, and I can imagine it could be catchy and singable, but I don't like the like "But I'm not too stressed." It kind of epitomizes what I mean by "heartfelt, frank, but artless."

Also, read the forum rules before you post again. Someone'll close this thread soon enough, 'cause you broke at least one of 'em.

peace
Nothing to see here. Move along.