#1
(It's a little long but I think it's decent enough to take up space on the tackboard of an elementary school hallway.)

“So… I want to ask, you know, while you’re tipsy -
what’s my character assessment?”

I had said
hours earlier
that I am a good judge
of character
which is tragic
really
given the circumstances
surrounding my talent
but you don’t
know that
when you
ask

and I – head lolling
from left to right
beside
the sliding glass door
to your apartment’s balcony –
say something like
“You are a sweet girl in armor”
which is the truth entirely though
maybe not the
entire truth

you are visibly disappointed by my answer
though still beautiful
in the way
east texas is beautiful
the promise of all that open country
and the reality of all those tall fences
I will never have
the courage to climb
-
outside,
it looks like this will be the last time
the night is sewn
to the sky
all flashes of bold white
and pounding of primordial war drums
the atmosphere
is being torn at
the seams
while we
watch t.v.

your head is on my chest
and I am wondering if
there is an algorithm I could find
with which to quantify
the way it’s weight is
being distributed
though even if I did
I’m sure I wouldn’t
understand it

Still,
I think it would be nice
knowing it was there.
-
After a while you
invite me to stay the night because
“I wouldn’t want you to get arrested on your way home”
which on a list of reasons a girl wants to share her bed with you
ranks pretty low
regardless I
take you up on
the offer
-
lying down you
ask me a few questions
I don’t remember,
roll over, and
wrap your arms around
a stuffed animal
I ask “may I kiss you before I go to sleep?”
and do
amongst other things
I will wake up and worry about
think that maybe
I did something you didn’t want me to
but were afraid to tell me
not to

I dream of eighteen wheelers on highways obsidian black and narrow
surrounded by trees so tall they look like
God’s eyelashes
-
When I come home
I think about you and what
the honest answer
to your question would have been
and come up
with this -

you feel people are
nomadic in their love and rootless
in their leanings
not oaks but rather
banyan trees slowly
plodding off canvas
towards some
inevitable sunset
you are a rain dancer
in a drought
tired of
pounding the cracked earth of
the south-west with the
heels of your feet
with your hands raised up
and cupped to catch something
that might never fall
#2
I love your words, but I hate your line breaks.
Nothing to see here. Move along.
#3
I hate the line breaks as well, I think. It's just kind of muscle now - it isn't something I do consciously anymore. I need to spend some time nailing down the internal rhythm and observe with more focus the way in which I'm breaking the word.
#4
“So… I want to ask, you know, while you’re tipsy -
what’s my character assessment?”

I had said
hours earlier
that I am a good judge
of character
which is tragic
really
given the circumstances
surrounding my talent
but you don’t
know that
when you
ask

and I – head lolling
from left to right
beside
the sliding glass door
to your apartment’s balcony –
say something like
“You are a sweet girl in armor”
which is the truth entirely though
maybe not the
entire truth

i think if you cut and combined these three stanzas it'd be a lot more powerful, and take out the authoritarianism of it (that might be the wrong word but whatever). that is, it's very...academic, i suppose. that type of writing is harder to feel for.

When I come home
I think about you and what
the honest answer
to your question would have been
and come up
with this -

you feel people are
nomadic in their love and rootless
in their leanings
not oaks but rather
banyan trees slowly
plodding off canvas
towards some
inevitable sunset
you are a rain dancer
in a drought
tired of
pounding the cracked earth of
the south-west with the
heels of your feet
with your hands raised up
and cupped to catch something
that might never fall

the last stanza is the best one in my opinion, there are much better images and words in those few lines than in the rest of the poem combined. i really loved this part.

honestly i feel like you could scrap every part save for those i quoted above and turn it into a great piece.

also, what nilchii said. breathe with your sentences.
the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn


#5
your metaphors,similies, and imagery are wonderful. I would read your book rather than listen to your song. -seriously, I would read your book.
Si
Last edited by 20Tigers at Apr 5, 2012,