#1
Alright guys, I usually write the basis for all of my bands songs by writing all of the guitar parts, but due to an injury to my hand, I'm unable to play for about 2 months. So I thought I'd try writing lyrics for a change. These are the first I've ever wrote, so see what you think. Thanks.

Irrational

It all started one day, it started so fast,
if only I knew, I wouldm't let it past.
My grip was so close, it was almost there,
what ever happened to your wonderful stare?
Thinking back now, I see what could have been,
trust me, I never meant to be so mean.
I thought this would last for ever, but little
did I know, I would wear out my welcome.

When you know something that you don't wonna hear,
why does everything become so clear?
Shit happens man, what you gonna do?
Move on quick, before it catches you!

After everything that happened, you still made this choice,
what ever happened to your reasoning voice?
Do tell me, what is in your irrational mind?
How could you turn down a gesture so kind?
But it's too late now, what's done is done,
have a good time missing out on the fun.
The chance was there, the chance was then,
it's now you, who has worn out their welcome.


That's it so far. I'm considering adding a third verse, but I feel like the story is pretty much complete already. And I'm not sold on the chorus, it was a couple of lines I couldn't fit into the verses, but thought sounded alright by themselves.

L.F.C
Quote by tubatom868686
One time I sneezed and pooped in my pants at someones house. It fell down my pantleg onto the floor. I blamed it on the dog. They believed me
#2
I would suggest looking at successful choruses from pop songs. Usually, they focus on a single idea, often a single phrase, and the idea is tangential but related to the ideas in the verses. The reason for this is that the audience will typically only pick up a few phrases and notions from the verse, but their memory will fixate on the chorus.

Make your chorus catchy, and then the verses only matter long enough to get the song recorded and played on the radio. By that token, your verses are fine, but your chorus needs work. I don't feel like a poetic analysis at the moment, but as poetry, it's rather a different story. Anyone else want to tackle the poem?

peace
Nothing to see here. Move along.
#3
Yeah, like Nilchii said, your chorus isn't catchy. It's clever, but leave clever to the verses. The chorus is the most repeated stanza; make it memorable. To do that, you have to make people want to repeat it.

The chance was there, the chance was then,
This feels redundant. Is it purposely so?
#4
Thanks for the crit guys.

Yeah, like I said, I wasn't entirely sold on the chorus from the start, but it was the best I could come up with at the time. I'll take your advice and look into what makes a catchy chorus.

And just so you know, this was written with my band in mind, so the flow of the lyrics fits our singers vocal style (he raps, and this song was very losely based around the rhythm for 'mockingbird' by Eminem), so I suppose it would make more sense if you could hear it.

And to Crazy, I added that line because it felt like it needed to be said (I suppose these lyrics are just me taking out my frustrations towards someone), and it just kinda went at the time, but looking back now, I see what you mean. I'll revise it soon.

Thanks again for the feedback.

L.F.C
Quote by tubatom868686
One time I sneezed and pooped in my pants at someones house. It fell down my pantleg onto the floor. I blamed it on the dog. They believed me