#1
i decided to give it a go, so please dont be cruel, but all friendly tips are welcome. its written about my last moment with my grandfather. its just a rough draft, im wondering if im going in the right direction with this.

You were laying in your bed
in the hospital with everyone around you
and I really cant
imagine what my life will be without you


You were fast asleep
but I had a feeling you could hear us
whispering words to try and keep
you from disappearing far away from us


life can be unfair
but the man in the sky has to have a plan
and i know you will take care
of everybody as they follow their own plans
#4
Quote by humblesir
i decided to give it a go, so please dont be cruel, but all friendly tips are welcome. its written about my last moment with my grandfather. its just a rough draft, im wondering if im going in the right direction with this.

You were laying in your bed
in the hospital with everyone around you
and I really cant
imagine what my life will be without you


You were fast asleep
but I had a feeling you could hear us
whispering words to try and keep
you from disappearing far away from us


life can be unfair
but the man in the sky has to have a plan
and i know you will take care
of everybody as they follow their own plans



This seems like an intense experience for you since you considered writing about it. However, nothing in your song really distinguishes your experience from one anyone else may have had. It makes it uninteresting. Think about the experience and try to isolate details that were unique to you.

Did he seem different to you?
What memories of him were you thinking of?
Whats the significance of your relationship with him?
What did you feel like you lost (other than the obvious)?
Has it changed you? Have you learned anything from the experience? Why or why noT?
#6
I agree with what the people below me said/suggested.
You're rhyming words with themselves.
Which is normal if your new to writing songs, you'll find that you do this often.
Try to avoid it, use different words to give more detail you your songs.
Try to focus on writing about the details, like what were you feeling, what happened while you were there, how you feel after it is all done.

Overall though this is a good first draft, keep going back to edit it. You'll find each time you go back to look at it you'll find something that you could change, add, or remove.

Keep up the work
Practice makes perfect
#7
This must have been very hard on you

When you try to describe how you felt one line at a time while trying to rhyme it is very hard to get all your true feelings out..
Try this
Write sentences or phrases that describe how you felt at the time.
No order or rhyming in necessary yet. Write as many as you can and dig down deep in your feelings. The reason I say that is if you try to come up with the next rhyming phrase you may miss many feelings that did not fit right there in the song. You don't feel in rhyming order.

Then when you have all these feelings and thoughts down on paper start to organize them. Now you can think about rhyming and the order of how your story goes.


Writing is a great way to work through your feelings
I wish you luck and in the end it is your song for you so really, anything goes.

Take care

Jimi
Last edited by Jimi Sellars at Dec 28, 2013,
#8
I for one am impressed by this though I'm not sure if it's in the way you intended. There's an endearing minimalism to your piece that you'd be sensible to retain. Mediocrity comes more from over embellishment than from sparseness.

There's also no rule against rhyming a word with itself. In fact there aren't any rules at all despite what these guys would have you believe.

Honestly if you follow the advice of these guys you'll end up with a bland poem full of cliches (really guys you're talking to him like a twelve year old)
Meaning and truth don't come from more words they come from the right ones. You just need more practice at finding the right ones.

This is obviously very personal for you so thankyou for sharing it. If it's a song it may already be perfect.
Last edited by spitonastranger at Apr 25, 2012,
#9
With all due respect, there are rules. The rules have to be known before you can break them. Learn the rules; then learn how/when to ignore them.
#10
Haha, there are no rules! Rules to lyric writing.. nonsense! No, really, that's just silly. The first rhyme you/you is good and fine because it is a multi-syllabic rhyme with around/without. Keep that one.

You don't even have to rhyme, but finding the right words I think is important. Here's what I would do, keep everything the same as it is now, but add an interlude where you have a remembrance moment of remembering everything that you did together, between the first two stanzas and the last one.

There are literally no rules. People get kind of uptight about it, these are the same kinds of people who get upset when someone calls DJ's sampling things and mixing music. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and there are no rules to art. You can learn how others have done things if you want to be better, and certainly, by all means, yes, improve your skills by learning what others call 'rules', but as the poster above me has said, you "learn rules to break them". If you are learning them to break them, then they really are not that important.

If you want to impress poets and others who are uptight about rules and get all hot and bothered about breaking them, then write according to rules, but if you just have to express yourself, **** rules, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. If it is necessary, like this, then express everything that you need to, get it out there into the open, and let it make you feel vulnerable. That's what writing from your heart is all about. Let it make you feel vulnerable and choose the right words to pinpoint exactly what it is, and let it stand for you. That's what real writing is about.
"Things seem pretty crummy, but if they could carry us away with them, we'd die of poetry. In a way, that wouldn't be bad." -Louis-Ferdinand Celine