#1
This should eventually sound like some 90's punkrock(Good Riddance,Pulley,...) with some nice rhymes.

"This world has to stop being lame,
people need to stop staying the same,
put our differences aside,
look on things from the otherside.

Hell has a nice place for me,
but I'll just stay right here,
so many things yet to be seen,
relationships turning to extreme,
wait for another day,another year.

Things used to be so clear,
but I don't know whats happening today,
the world has to catch up someday.

Another day,another year,
another tear,another screwed up mind."

I think its pretty good,might need some touchups.
#2
Quote by chargerbandit

put our differences aside,
look on things from the other side.

Aside and side are so close to be the same word (one letter off) that rhyming them with each other is almost like rhyming side with side. I'd recommend you not rhyme like that.


Quote by chargerbandit
Hell has a nice place for me,
but I'll just stay right here,
so many things yet to be seen,
relationships turning to extreme,
wait for another day,another year.

This stanza doesn't do it for me. It has no unifying images. First, you bring up hell. Then you talk about relationships. Finally, you talk of the future. Needs a clearer theme.
#3
While I think I can follow what you are trying to say I have to ask you some questions about this piece and your thought process. I need you to be very very honest. There is never any shame in honesty and if you find you can not answer honestly then you have no business being a songwriter or poet.

Is this song about a disagreement that affected you in someway or you may have been involved in?
If so do you feel that the disagreement could have been avoided if people were a bit more open minded?
Do you feel that you had some blame in that scenario?
When you wrote this who did you write it to? Who were you speaking to?
Did you intentionally try to generalize it to make it more open to interpretation so that it could connect with more people?
Did you try to make it vague or cryptic so that if someone you knew read it they wouldn't know exactly what it was about?

Please answer honestly.
Si
#4
Quote by chargerbandit
This should eventually sound like some 90's punkrock(Good Riddance,Pulley,...) with some nice rhymes.

"This world has to stop being lame, <--To me, this line sounds juvenile.
people need to stop staying the same,
put our differences aside,
look on things from the otherside.

Hell has a nice place for me,
but I'll just stay right here,
so many things yet to be seen,
relationships turning to extreme,<-- I don't think that this line fits well.
wait for another day,another year.

Things used to be so clear, ]
but I don't know whats happening today, ] Powerful stanza
the world has to catch up someday. ]

Another day,another year,
another tear,another screwed* up mind." <-- I like where this is going, but there is no rhyme.
*I HATE cursing, but if this is a 90' punk song, drop in an f-bomb here for power. Hell, Green Day's not afraid to do it.
Suggestion:
Another day, Another year,
Another song, Another tear.
Another pain, Another time,
And now, Another f***ed up mind.

Play with the wording and syllables, since I don't know how the song quite goes, and try to make it flow. Rhyming and syllable counts are the best ways to make something flow, but using things like internal rhymes and exceptional vocabulary can really make a song stand out.



Hey C4C? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1531613
Last edited by gateway01 at Apr 7, 2012,
#5
Quote by crazysam23_Atax

This stanza doesn't do it for me. It has no unifying images. First, you bring up hell. Then you talk about relationships. Finally, you talk of the future. Needs a clearer theme.

I understand your point, but I really enjoy reading that stanza. It brings a sort of life to the song. If the wording is changed slightly to underscore a theme, than this could be a fantastic chorus.

Also TS, The song seems a little cluttered. I can't tell what is a verse, chorus, bridge, etc. Try to incorporate patterns into the way you write i.e. - writing verses with the same rhyme scheme and keeping a solid structure like Intro,V,C,V,C,B,C,Outro or something.
Last edited by gateway01 at Apr 7, 2012,
#6
Thanks for all the comments,everything helps me in creating better song,writing something new ATM,I'll be sure to post it.