#1
Wrote this just now in about 5 minutes. It's pretty messy, but I kinda like it that way.

Anything in between "()" is spoken/shouted word.


So here's a story,
Of how I came to be.
My former glory.
Burned all down around me.
Am I worthy,
Of all this sympathy?
So here's my story.
Take a look and see.

This is how I came to be.
This disfunctional yet reliable,
Wretched teen.

How did you think I'd be?
Some sort of angel?
Some sort of media dream?

This is how I came to be.
She ruined me.

(My heart was hers on the very first night. Hell you had a boyfriend and the only reason you came was because you had a fight.)

We ran the town that night. Saved you from that thin, thin ice.
I knew I loved you. I knew you wanted to. I knew I had to.
I knew I wanted you.
I fought so hard cause it felt so right. Every single night.
Stay up till five. I made those vibes.

(We ended up together. Spent 4 whole years. In love? I gave you all I had. I have nothing more. Who are you to say that you don't feel it?)
Feel it anymore?

This is how I came to be.
This insane me.
They try to hold me down.

How did you think I'd be?
Some sort of angel?
Some sort of media dream?

I may be in my twenties. But I can still see
Those orange tinted skys of our memories.
I think there's still a chance...no. That can't be.
I'm in denial. Don't you see, you made me, me.


(I'm a bi-polar, socially inept fuckwad who crumbles at the thought of social interaction with anyone I've never met before. The constant spinning in my head is unbearable and I'm unable to function correctly like a normal human being.)

(My extreme anxiety leads me to look like a douche bag to most people but it's better that way, so I can be left alone. But still, somehow, I still think I'm better than most, Stronger, Smarter, Faster than most and my ego fills to the thought of you getting high and living your life outside your own lame leisure you call a life.)

(I chuckle at the thought that you will be stuck in this shanty of a town for the rest of your life because of your own lack of self worth and your personality flaws. I was there for you and you wern't for me. But that's just it. You aren't for me. I'm for myself. I am myself. I'll never stoop so low.)
I'll never be what you want me to be!

(because I'm me and you are you and this is me leaving you behind.)

Cause I feel it. Feel it in my heart.
I can take it, take in my soul.
You aren't for me, you never were.
Thank god for thee, to show me what I'm worth.

So here's a story,
Of how I came to be.
My future glory.
growth all down around me.
I am worthy.
Of this life ahead me.
So here's my story.
Last edited by GoxGetterxGuy at Nov 9, 2012,
#3
I can hear the song, see it, feel the emotions. This is pretty fluent.

I'm tired as **** at the moment, so I'm just going to give my thoughts than come back once I've gotten some sleep.

I really enjoyed reading this, it flowed. It flowed well. I could hear the singer of a band yelling this into a mic with distorted guitars behind and this big wall of sound enveloping all around it.

One thing stood out to me in the lyrics:

I faught so hard cause it felt so right. Every single night. Stay up till 5. Till I had no might.


The whole verse was very rhymey, but it worked. But at this point it started to seem like a bit much, the 'ight' sound was just not working for me. You might want the verse to very rhyme oriented, dunno. That's what I thought though.

I chuckle at the thought that you will be stuck in this shanty of a town for the rest of your life because of your own lack of self worth and your personality flaws. I was there for you and you wern't for me. But that's just it. You aren't for me. I'm for myself. I am myself. I'll never stoop so low to your level. I'll never be what you want me to be, because I'm me and you are you and this is me leaving you behind.


I like the whole spoken-word verse, it was great. This bit in particular stood out to me. I could really feel the emotion coming out. Seems like the climax of a build-up. The lyrics sound remind me of Eminem a bit too, specifically "I was there for you and you wern't for me. But that's just it. You aren't for me.".

I like where it's at, not sure I can say anything really needs to change. You could get something pretty great out of this.
Check out my lyrics! (C4C)

Critical Condition
Tombstone

Quote by SteveHouse
That's actually the point of this. Tell your inner editor to shut the fock up and just write.
#4
Quote by Gaiad
I like where it's at, not sure I can say anything really needs to change.


Was that intentional?
#5
Quote by GoxGetterxGuy
Was that intentional?


It was not.


I can honestly say I can't remember writing half of what I wrote because I'm so loopy from sleep deprivation though.


Like I said, I'll come back tomorrow and revise my thoughts. :P
Check out my lyrics! (C4C)

Critical Condition
Tombstone

Quote by SteveHouse
That's actually the point of this. Tell your inner editor to shut the fock up and just write.
#6
I think It sounds a little like Rise Against, but it could just be the fact that i was just listening to them.

Honestly though, I can't really feel those long verses with no line breaks. It just seems like a big paragraph that rhymes sometimes. Line breaks can really help a song flow as people know when to take breaks and it can also show a rhythm to the song.

Everything else was awesome though. Nice work. The best line was the end of that first really long stanza where it says "I fought so hard 'cause t felt so right..." etc.

C4C? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1531613
#7
Non-sleep deprived loopy version:

So here's a story,
Of how I came to be.
My former glory.
Burned all down around me.
Am I worthy.
Of all this sympathy.
So here's my story.
Take a look and see.

This how I came to be.
This disfunctional yet reliable,
Wretched teen.

How did you think I'd be?
Some sort of angel?
Some sort of media dream?

This how I came to be.
She ruined me.

I like this a lot, gives a good strong start for the song.

For the "This how I came to be", though. Is that correct or do you mean to have an 'is' inbetween 'This' and 'how'? Just something that stood out to me. I like it how it is.



My heart was hers on the very first night. Hell you had a boyfriend and the only reason you came was because you had a fight. We ran the town that night. Saved you from that thin, thin ice. I knew I loved you. I knew you wanted too. I knew I had to. I knew I wanted you. so, I faught so hard cause it felt so right. Every single night. Stay up till 5. Till I had no might.

We ended up together. Spent 4 whole years. In love? with each other. I gave you all I had. You put it in a bag. Threw it out the door. Who are you to say that you don't love me anymore? I can't take all of this. My head seems full of piss. You burned my hopes. You tied the ropes around my neck. So tell me why, did it have to be this way.

How are you wanting this to be sung? Actual singing? Or rapping? All the lyrics being put together give it a sort of punkish rap vibe. I don't think that's what you were going for. So it might be good to elaborate on the phrasing of these verses.


This is how I came to be.
This insane me.
They try to hold me down.

How did you think I'd be?
Some sort of angel?
Some sort of media dream?

I'm guessing this is supposed to be a chorus, I really like it. I feel it conveys the message of the song without throwing it right at the readers face. It conveys the problem while the verses explain. It's interesting.


I may be in my twenties. But I can still see
Those orange tinted skys of our memories.
I think there's still a chance...no. That can't be.
I'm in denial. Don't you see, you made me, me.

(incoming spoken rant)
I'm a bi-polar, socially inept ****wad who crumbles at the thought of social interaction with anyone I've never met before. The constant spinning in my head is unbearable and I'm unable to function correctly like a normal human being.

My extreme anxiety leads me to look like a douche bag to most people but it's better that way, so I can be left alone. Yet somehow I still think I'm better than most, Stronger, Smarter, Better than most. My ego fills to the thought of you getting high and living your life outside your own lame leisure you call a story.

I chuckle at the thought that you will be stuck in this shanty of a town for the rest of your life because of your own lack of self worth and your personality flaws. I was there for you and you wern't for me. But that's just it. You aren't for me. I'm for myself. I am myself. I'll never stoop so low to your level. I'll never be what you want me to be, because I'm me and you are you and this is me leaving you behind.

Knowing this is a spoke-word/rant segment, they're usually more driven and forward. But I think the phrasing and rhythm really needs to be brought out here, it's difficult to read. There are places where I feel like it should keep going but the punctuation would have it be a pause. But other than that, I really love the feel this whole part gives off and would love to be able to hear it.


Cause I feel it. Feel it in my heart.
I can take it, take in my soul.
You aren't for me, you never were.
Thank god for thee, to show me what I'm worth.

So here's a story,
Of how I came to be.
My future glory.
growth all down around me.
I am worthy.
Of this life ahead me.
So here's my story.
Take this ride with me.

I love the return to the intro with the slight variation. Brings the song to a nice close and feels resolved.
Check out my lyrics! (C4C)

Critical Condition
Tombstone

Quote by SteveHouse
That's actually the point of this. Tell your inner editor to shut the fock up and just write.