#1
Syria bathed in strident pine cone
with a blue of Phire's fragile front.

In haste came the last blow,
forcing her behind a curtain.

Did the thrum of our charging startle you?
Did the stones at my window deter you?
By vow my eyes' quest intensifies but
phorsworn is the star's glittered absolve.

She pheasts through straws set in mediterraneans
and the rain clouds harbor her rite of phorm,
sheltered, by philtering the composite shit.

She is it and now us, stifled with a diy gag
(teeth-marks engraved in a cushion's gravel)
with evanescent sanity diguised as art;
phester into an epidemic of a culture.
#2
I have to give you credit for the amount of fresh word combinations you've used here, and even singular words I've never seen before. But sadly 90% of them were ineffective at helping the reader feel something; something other than confused.

For instance, I had no idea what the opening verse was about. The only word that had any bearing to my thought strains was "Syria". I'm sure you had a meaning for it, but you have to remember that we cannot see inside your head. You have to either give us what you think on a simple platter, or give us something we can work with ourselves. Unfortunately, as awesome as this sounds to read, it offered neither.

The third verse is then a complete mess. The first line sets one scene, but the second completely changes the position of the character, or "you". It threw me off in a piece that I never really had a hold of anyway. I see an image of a protest, a violent one, and someone being in their flat, scared. But nothing is solid enough for me to feel confident enough in that theory to warrant showing my emotions and letting the piece take them somewhere emotional.

The fourth verse shows one consistency, and that is the letter "p", sometimes used improperly. I assume that has a point, but I cannot see it. Again, I've been reading you long enough to know that you don't just spout pretentious bullshit in the hope someone finds something out o it, but for me I did not understand or feel any connection to it, both from a theme standpoint and from a voice standpoint.

I liked the use of the word "shit" in the fourth verse. It definitely takes the piece down a notch, which was sorely needed, in my opinion.

I think the final verse is talking about a girl being tied up and raped. Maybe? Sorry, I got little else from it, though I guess it does somewhat tie in with the scene of the protests and violence in the streets.

In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with using spurts of creative writing in amongst your genuine and unadulterated thoughts, but it has to be dispersed properly or else your poem ends up being far too confusing to ever appreciate. That's my final thought.
#3
Thank you very much for the crit, and yes I agree that this piece is very confusing to a reader. When I was writing it I had so many ideas to add, but halfway through setting them I'd lose the idea to another and another. It seemed like I just couldn't get this piece out properly

It was sort of my attempt at writing mythology, or at least something that goes to ridiculous lengths to include the supernatural. Phire (a mix between fire and sapphire) is a star that promises absolution and peace to people as long as they promise to keep looking at her (the star), but people grow tired of waiting for this star (or well, this god) to fulfill her promise. So they rebel against her and decide to ignore her, and she becomes weaker as they do because she feeds on how much attention is given to her. Which makes her unable to bring the peace she said she'd instill.

The third verse I tried showing that the narrator is still trying to find her, but she hid in fear of what they might do. So he looks harder in the skies trying to find her, and realizes there's no hope ("By vow my eyes' quest intensifies but forsworn is the star's glittered absolve"). The star finds shelter in water (rain clouds; Mediterranean sea) but quickly realizes it won't help forever. So they (the clouds) help her "filter" all the good and leave the "shit" in order to turn her human so she can face the rebellion and end the chaos. I purposely did not specify clearly what happens to the star, only that her taking a human form causes silent fright and she is reduced into a legend only to be talked about in art.

None of this was explained well in the poem, that's certain. Neither is the story very well thought-out, but I feel proud of it for some reason. I rarely leave my comfort zone anymore.

Again, thank you for reading it. Is there anything you'd like me to take a look at?
#4
I don't have anything up at the moment, no. I don't write nearly as much as I used to. But thank you!