#1
A man looks out his window,
screams and breaks the glass before him.
Hates it that he's always single.
No better was he, romance killings.

It was you who broke it up, sunconscious,
can see it in your eyes, can see it in your ears,
Hire Wiccans to make up potions.
J'espère que vous pourrir en enfer.

Looking out the window, gawp at all who pass.
Erect at every noise, lets all his hair stand on end.
He knows this extended dry run can't last.
He can no longer close his eyes, pull back, and pretend.

It was you who broke it up, sunconscious,
can see it in your eyes, can see it in your ears,
Hire Wiccans to make up potions.
J'espère que vous pourrir en enfer.
Last edited by ultrasonic at Apr 7, 2012,
#2
Just a little note here, the French isn't quite right. I get the use of vous instead of tu, because it's formal and distancing, but pourrir needs to be conjugated in the present subjunctive, so it should really be 'j'espère que vous pourrissiez en enfer'. That is, assuming you can say 'pourrir en enfer' in French, because it seems a little too literal to me. Might be correct though, but you definitely need to change the pourrir to pourrissiez

Edit: Oh, pourrir en enfer is French vernacular indeed, my bad!

Edit 2: Wiccas is also a bit strange; Wiccans is usually used as the plural when referring to the followers of Wicca

Edit 3: Not meaning to be overly critical here, sorry! Just trying to correct any mistakes so others can give a fairer opinion
Last edited by theknuckster at Apr 7, 2012,
#3
This is just my opinion, but I don't like this line -

Hates it that he's always single.

I feel like you could say that without outright saying it. Overall It's pretty good.
Party on Wayne. Party on Garth.
#4
Quote by theknuckster
Just a little note here, the French isn't quite right. I get the use of vous instead of tu, because it's formal and distancing, but pourrir needs to be conjugated in the present subjunctive, so it should really be 'j'espère que vous pourrissiez en enfer'. That is, assuming you can say 'pourrir en enfer' in French, because it seems a little too literal to me. Might be correct though, but you definitely need to change the pourrir to pourrissiez

Edit: Oh, pourrir en enfer is French vernacular indeed, my bad!

Edit 2: Wiccas is also a bit strange; Wiccans is usually used as the plural when referring to the followers of Wicca

Edit 3: Not meaning to be overly critical here, sorry! Just trying to correct any mistakes so others can give a fairer opinion


I have no clue about french, if I'm honest. I sort of used a translator to get the phrase It's probably wracked with incorrect grammar.

Also, thanks for spotting that. Silly mistake that about Wiccans Just a typo really, I tend to read a lot about that sort of stuff

Quote by iup788
This is just my opinion, but I don't like this line -

Hates it that he's always single.

I feel like you could say that without outright saying it. Overall It's pretty good.


Thanks, you're right. It sounds quite dumbed down for lack of a better phrase. Will work on it. Thanks again to both of you.
Last edited by ultrasonic at Apr 7, 2012,