#1
Ok, guys sorry if this has been done before, but this has been bothering me.

So early Friday night my neighbor who is 22, and I've known my entire life, died in a motorcycle accident. I didn't find out until Saturday morning and I was upset but it didn't really affect me too much. I wasn't good friends with him, but I knew him. We play sports with other neighborhood kids when we were younger and stuff. We had piano recitals together. And like I said, he was my neighbor, so I saw him all of the time. I was more upset for his family, if that makes sense. His dad is a cop and his brother is in the army. They are both really nice and cool, so I was more upset for them losing someone so close to them.

I have luckily never had that happen so I always feel awkward is these situation. I don't know what to do or say.

Ok, so today I was in the car with my mom and we were talking about it and I just started getting really upset. I don't get why all of the sudden I just felt all of this emotion over it, and not before. I think I was more shocked beforehand, and it didn't really sink in. But now I just feel really crappy that I wasn't upset before. Should I have been?

Idk, has anyone else really experienced something like that?


Sorry if this seems like a blog or whatever.


inb4: didn't read
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Quote by The_Blode
she was saying things like... do you want to netflix and chill but just the chill part...too bad she'll never know that I only like the Netflix part...
#2
Thomas Kinkade died over the weekend and I wasn't torn up much at all.
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#4
A similar thing happened to me when my grandfather died. I always had a very good relationship with him, but I felt somehow disappointed with myself for not feeling the right emotions, if that makes any sense. I guess it took a while to really sink in.

There's no right or wrong way to mourn the loss, and you should do it at your own pace. However, don't try to fight the feeling, either. You just have to accept it.
#5
Not caring about things that don't directly, or shouldn't, affect you is natural. A few weeks I went to a funeral, and I had to force my "serious face".
#6
It makes sense. You were probably subconsciously stuck in a phase of "Nahh, it's not true" for quite a while, even though in reality you knew it. Just kinda took awhile for you to give up and admit it.
#7
Sorry to hear that Phils.

Though I've never experienced that, no, I don't think it's odd or anything by any means. It takes some stuff a while to sink in; that's only normal.

Hope you don't get too wrecked over it though man

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#8
You were probably in denial TS. Either that, or that's just how you deal with it. Everyone is different. I hope you, and your neighbour's family feel better.
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#9
Sorry to hear that man. I know that before my aunt died of cancer, I always wanted to go visit her, but my mom was a workaholic and could never get time off. So I never really got to tell my aunt goodbye, and it hacked at my emotions so much that I decided to start going to therapy. My therapist helped me vent these emotions and I found closure. Don't know if therapy is your thing, everyone is different, just sayin' what worked for me. Hope his family is coping well.
#10
Inb4 Freud's defense mechanisms.

Seriously though, it's defense mechanisms. When big things happen I always intellectualize it for a day or two before it hits me.
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#11
Yeah, it hits hard but it can happen to anyone. That's the unfortunate case when examining the possibilities of fate in our lives.

I can't say I've experienced something like that, like with someone so close. I mean my grandfather passed away but that's not really like your story.

My friend almost died last summer in a motorcycle accident actually. Driving his bike and some guy just decided he was gonna cross the oncoming lane out of nowhere to get into the gas station. My buddy went head on into the guy front corner. Went flying.

Broken ribs on both sides. Punctured lung on one, bruised on the other. His liver basically exploded. The doctors described it as taking a water filled ballon and smacking it hard with both hands only to have the contents gush out rapidly on one side. He almost died lying on that road if it wasn't for the paramedics. He was in a coma for about a month I think.

I guess this doesn't really relate because he's still alive and well. But it could have gone the other way real fast. I mean that was a nasty crash. They had to drain like 7L of blood in total from his gut and do like 5 transfusions. He weighed about 100 lbs soaking wet in that hospital bed. Going through all that shit, being in a coma and all, he dropped so much weight. He's good now though, although I don't think his liver is the same. It's got like a third of the capacity it had before.

Sorry didn't mean to digress on the subject. I've known people who have lost people and I didn't really know what to say. Just like, I'm very sorry for your loss. But I almost feel bad for getting further into it. Like it's none of my business to get my nose in there and get all emotional for them when it's them who should be grieving. TS, sometimes news like that needs time to settle in. It's that simple. I'm the same way, some ****ed up shit could happen, and I won't actually fully understand and react to it for days later. And even then, I find myself sometimes not reacting to certain things at all anymore. That's another thing but when things like that happen, your mind needs to take things a few bites at a time, rather than swallow the whole thing and choke on it. Don't be surprised if you feel like you reacted ''late'' to it, that's a normal process many people experience.
#12
Quote by metalblaster


Sorry didn't mean to digress on the subject. I've known people who have lost people and I didn't really know what to say. Just like, I'm very sorry for your loss. But I almost feel bad for getting further into it. Like it's none of my business to get my nose in there and get all emotional for them when it's them who should be grieving. TS, sometimes news like that needs time to settle in. It's that simple. I'm the same way, some ****ed up shit could happen, and I won't actually fully understand and react to it for days later. And even then, I find myself sometimes not reacting to certain things at all anymore. That's another thing but when things like that happen, your mind needs to take things a few bites at a time, rather than swallow the whole thing and choke on it. Don't be surprised if you feel like you reacted ''late'' to it, that's a normal process many people experience.

To the bolded part.

Yes, that's exactly what I felt like. Like, I felt upset, but thought I shouldn't because what his family is going through is so much worse. So I was actually more upset for them at first.

Idk, if that makes any sense.
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Quote by The_Blode
she was saying things like... do you want to netflix and chill but just the chill part...too bad she'll never know that I only like the Netflix part...
#13
didn't read lol


But if I did, I'd say that really sucks and I know how hard it is to have someone you were once a friend with pass away in an automobile accident. I'd also offer you this


But I didn't, so I won't.
#14
I have lost 6 people in the last 6 months. One of them just over 2 weeks ago. So I know a little bit about dealing with death . What you have to do is smile. Smile for him, he would want you to be happy. I know this is an incredilbly ****ed up situation but you need to be happy for his sake and yours. Look on his life with joy, not sadness. Don't keep your emotions in either. I bottled everything up until I had a giant mental breakdown and almost ended my life when I had four friends killed by a drunk driver. PM me if you are feeling bad
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#15
I'm sorry to hear that Phils

I kinda get what you mean about feeling like you shouldn't be too emotional. My grandpa died a few weeks ago and I mostly just feel really bad for my mom because I can see that she's feeling a lot of pain right now and I feel like it'd be selfish of me to be like that when she obviously needs a lot more support.

That said, I know I'll be like her in a few weeks. I have a delayed reaction to these types of things. When my best friend died everyone expected me to be really emotional about it but I was mostly just numb at first and a few weeks later it just hit me all at once and it never really went away after that. I don't feel comfortable crying or whatever in front of other people anyway because there usually isn't anything they can do about it and I'd rather just get over it by myself.
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#16
I find the hardest part is also seeing others in pain.

Myself, I can deal with it, no matter how bad it gets, I'll deal with it my own way.

But seeing other people suffer along with you. That's tough. When my grandfather died, I was really sad, like it was bad. But I was gonna deal with it on my own. But when I showed up at the funeral and I saw my grandmother sobbing away despite her efforts not to, I almost bit my entire lip off trying to keep it together.
#17
Quote by WCPhils
To the bolded part.

Yes, that's exactly what I felt like. Like, I felt upset, but thought I shouldn't because what his family is going through is so much worse. So I was actually more upset for them at first.

Idk, if that makes any sense.

Yeah, I get it. IMO it's more of a respect thing. I'm the type of guy that if I had it my way, if let's say my dad died, I'd bury him, I'd make him a casket, I'd deal with it myself, no sympathy from others, just my own will and respect towards my father to silently give him the proper funeral or something.

There's an old episode of that crab fishing show. And one of the captains explains how his dad died, and they took care of the body and hand made this casket and actually had to carry it all the way up this mountain to bury him. That's how you show respect to your deceased. In my opinion.
#18
Quote by metalblaster
I find the hardest part is also seeing others in pain.

Myself, I can deal with it, no matter how bad it gets, I'll deal with it my own way.

But seeing other people suffer along with you. That's tough. When my grandfather died, I was really sad, like it was bad. But I was gonna deal with it on my own. But when I showed up at the funeral and I saw my grandmother sobbing away despite her efforts not to, I almost bit my entire lip off trying to keep it together.

That's kinda what I was like at my grandfather's funeral. I was sad, but not emotional or anything. Then at the funeral my mom read this really nice thing she wrote and I saw all of my brothers and cousins were kinda crying and I just lost it.

It was like it just hit me all of the sudden. I wasn't expecting that.
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she was saying things like... do you want to netflix and chill but just the chill part...too bad she'll never know that I only like the Netflix part...
#19
It could be worse Phils, one of your relatives could have died.

I sometimes wish I lived in the same place long enough to know a person I wasn't related to my entire life.
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#20
I find what most affects us about he death of someone like this is the realization fog our own mortality. it's something I grapple with almost daily and still when someone I know dies it never ceases to affect me. to paraphrase John Donne, the death of any man diminishes me because I am part of mankind.
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#21
Quote by primusfan
I find what most affects us about he death of someone like this is the realization fog our own mortality. it's something I grapple with almost daily and still when someone I know dies it never ceases to affect me. to paraphrase John Donne, the death of any man diminishes me because I am part of mankind.


Yeah I guess on a subconscious level it can do that to us. Personally I don't think I'm afraid of my own mortality. As long as I can die how I want to die. It's the suffering of other which wrenches me. Even when my girlfriend lost her grandfather (I never knew him) she wasn't bawling her eyes out but she was crying, and it was this small, whimpering cry, like a small animal crying after it's mother has been killed or something. Not in the vocal sense, sounds like I'm comparing her to a dog lol. But just her allure, like she was so heartbroken and seemed so infinitely vulnerable. Just seeing her cry and watching, trying to comfort her, it was real hard. Felt like someone put vice-grips on my heart and started twisting them. Like really, it just tore me up seeing her in so much pain.

So I guess, it could also be the fact that seeing other people in pain like that obviously adds to the sorrow.
#22
I'll cry maybe, but it's never like the end of the world. I'm mostly sad because other people are sad and that makes me sad. I've only had a couple times where i've had to be super sad personally as a result of a death (not just sad for other people).

The saddest part is the memorial or whatever when everybody tells stories and memories are had a stuff. Shit man.

Luckily for me, i'm pretty optimistic when it comes to the whole death thing. I've been able to accept it and, though it's a sad thing, it's a necessary thing. It helps me to deal with it at least. That's just how life goes and you gotta take it or you'll never make it. I'm also lucky that my family is hilarious and cracks jokes about deaths all the time. They're alcoholics too but whatever. My uncle was apparently singing all the time while he was in his death bed, and that's awesome.

So yeah, just find the positives in the experience. Realize the significance of this silly thing called life, that we're only here for a short while, that we meet all these people and share all of these experiences and resources, and all of these emotions that are universal to us. Look up to the sky and learn to appreciate your small place in this universe. Cause it's beautiful man. And it's only a matter of time before we start collecting dust too, so you better enjoy it while you can.

But anyway, sorry for your loss dude, people deal with death in all sorts of ways.
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#23
I felt like that last year when my Uncle died.

My mum got a phone call off his girlfriend early in the morning saying he was sick, so my mum and dad went up to his house and about half an hour later my brother answered the phone and was told that he'd died.

My brother's reaction was instant. He started tearing up and could barely speak. I on the other hand didn't react. At all.

I felt bad for my mum because she'd lost a brother. I felt bad for my cousin who'd lost a dad. I felt bad for my nan who'd lost a son etc. I even felt bad that I wasn't upset.

I stayed that way until the funeral. Then when I saw the coffin, I pretty much burst into tears.

People react differently. It's nothing to feel guilty about.
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#24
when my grandad died i was aout 11 and i was calm and trying to be helpful to my mum, like waking my younger sister up so she could be told.
then when i saw the body i just collapsed. most vivid thing i remember from my childhood. i can feel the tenseness in my chest and throat just thinking about it.
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#25
I'd say that it depends on the way they died. If they die of for example natural causes or age, it was their time and you have to deal with it. But also a few months ago my brothers best friend committed suicide at 17 and i find that much more saddening (idk if thats a word) because you don't really know what they have been through and it wasn't their natural time to die. If it is like a tragic death a lot of people tend to care more than of natural causes, which i can see why but i think that it mostly depends on the age of which the death occured or how close you were with the person. ike when my grandma died I would barley talk for months. well thats my opinion about it..... im rambling....
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