#1
and I count to fifteen-
the empties on this bedroom
floor.

then convert it to base two
to show you in computer code
all the empty promises
I can count with two

digits.

wings.

useless arithmetic!
turning minerals into
memory etchings on the
chip in the phone

I threw-
which flew-

like vestigial organs
reawakened by evolutionary
demand!
forced from a genomic sleep
to produce a bodily function
unknown to man.

if only I could discover why it is
upright I am born
with a coc*k
made to stand
cephalized
sterilized
always straight
and looking at others who
manage it a little easier...

and without the numbers-

the numbers are what
kill me,
man.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
Last edited by freshtunes at Apr 9, 2012,
#2
Specifying a common thing like a room - 'this' - can be dangerous. What room are you talking about? Why is that particular room important? It doesn't come up later. Imagining it in my mind, with no more of a description takes my attention off the poem.

the empties?

the second stanza is great, but repeating 'empty' not so much. especially because I don't know what an empty is when nouned.

after that it seems like this was written at different times, in different mindsets. the fourth stanza is cool in a jokester/smart hip-hop sort of way but is totally different from the somewhat revealing beginning. the numbers motif doesn't stand as very strong to me toward the ending, which is, well, abrupt.

It's decent as an abstract piece from a math geek. The romantic and sexual connections are as far from sincere as the prom queen is from the WoW fanatic. It could work as two pieces. End the first with 'flew.' What you do with the second half is up to you, but it doesn't seem to belong here.
#3
Actually, I wrote the whole thing in one thought, in about a minute. The room is specified in the piece as a bedroom, so I'm not sure about the confusion there. And the empties....thats a way of saying empty beer cans.... when it comes up again, the promises are empty because of the beer cans being empty.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#4
I liked it, but I agree with Spike on how your number/computer analogies disappeared in the second half of the poem. The individual parts are well done, but I feel like it goes from hard numbers and computers to this whole descriptions of organs and bodies and all of this biological stuff. Although the voice seemed consistent, your choice of words in the second half implied a shift that I didn't really see in this piece. It looks to me like you have two well done pieces here that were mashed together. Maybe if you fleshed out a shift between hard computers ('hard' just seems like the right word) and the softer images of bodies and organs it would make more sense, but it almost looks like you ran out of gas on the number/computer metaphors and just switched to biology metaphors instead.