#1
Hello S&L, it's good to be back, even though I don't know for how long. Still, it's good to see that some familiar faces are still here

I will post throughout these next weeks a series of poems who are kind of related to each other. I'll see if there's still something left of this good ol' rusty pen.

This is the first of twelve poems about loving and rising out of that love, and everything in the in between. These are all also songs, who are almost fully composed. Hope you all enjoy.


This Is It, Kid

“This is it, kid.
You have no idea what you
have gotten yourself into”
-
They say. I
simply reply with a proud smile.
I would’ve never imagined I
would be where I am right now.

But this is life,
and no one ever said it would be
linear or predictable. I’m lucky
I’ve found you [or maybe you found me
(or maybe we found each other)].
The point is:
I feel loved; I feel embraced;
I feel accompanied; I feel safe.
“Take your time.” “Deliberate.”

The heart I
once knew no longer inhabits my
chest. It travelled horizons
to find its home in your eyes.
“This is life;
This is nothing to rush into”
. I
will wait, but this waiting no longer hurts,
because we found comfort in our words.
#2
I enjoyed the naivete of the tone. It's young and idealistic, smart enough to acknowledge wisdom, but not wise enough to embrace it. It's obviously going to build up from here. The concept is intriguing in a Romeo and Juliet sort of way. Metrically, the poem's a mess, but ifthe rhythm works for the songs, no worries.

The first stanza is a good setup that should not be followed by a But. Negatives this early on work only to your detriment. Tell me more before you start negating yourself. Most uses of 'but' imply that everything said before is bullshit.

If you have to say 'the point is:' then you're already way off base. We don't need the redundancy of who found who. if this is supposed to be romantic, which it seems to be, then let it be: romance is not about fairness.

Most of this poem seems to be a reaction to what other, presumably older and wiser, people say or don't say: "...they say", "no one ever said" - and otherwise it's about the Narrator: "I feel loved... etc." and includes very little about the mystery noun Narrator is in love with, other than that it has eyes, and Narrator's heart (which abandoned him/her, apparently) travelled horizons to find them.

With an introductory piece, I feel that you have a greater responsibility to the reader than this, especially if you want to keep their attention. It's a good start, but I'm left wanting to a lot more clarity than I've been given.
#3
Thank you for that elaborate critique man.

I understand what you're saying about "The point is". This was basically a stream of consciousness, that's why it is so scattered and unfocused on something in particular.

This series of poems are only loosely related to each other. They follow a line and a logical sequence, but they talk about different things all around the same relationship, the beginning, the end, and everything in between. What I'm trying to say is that, even though this is an introductory piece, every poem is something on it's own.

With that said, about the "But". It's not supposed to imply that everything said before is bullshit, it's just a follow up to the previous sentence "I would’ve never imagined I would be where I am right now.". If it continues to sound weird, or just simply wrong, just let me know that I'll find a way around that.

Once again, thank you so much for your words man
#4
The most relevant thing I can say is basically spike's first stanza.

Of everything else, the only really "helpful" thing I can say is it really doesn't feel complete, but that might have something to do with it being first of a series.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching