#1
I fled from the rising star of yesterday only because
it was too much like some other yesterday; you liked me once
or twice (I suppose) and I used to cry at the thought
of that ending. I liked you once or twice and I'd bury my face
in the clothes that you'd send me, hoping to pick up some
kind of human afterglow or righteous masterknow that
I hadn't been exposed to. maybe you were so difficult because
I didn't know how to tend to you; I'd extend every beanstalk
I grew through the laundry chutes, thinking they'd come out
with some form of conversation we'd hold on to. now it is
tomorrow (though it's really today) and another lover lays in my bed,
head laying peacefully in the nooks I left behind upon waking -
he reminds me of you sometimes, but only when he's hissing
or his eyes don't falter freely at the sight of me escaping. we've
built kingdoms out of eggshells and bookpages that you&I had
merely skimmed with our fingers and incinerated; he sang songs
I'd never heard, and his eyes welled when I chimed them back.

still, the sight of you invades me in my few and weakest moments
when I'm soaked and searching shelter and you show up at my heels
with a rag to put my face in and and a hand extended outwards
only promising some words to distract me from the rain.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#2
The way you decided to form these lines really bugged me. Don't get me wrong, it may be that I'm not used to your style, since it's been quite some time since I last read you (or anyone in the forum). But the content of this piece is so amazing, every word hits that way it should, and fact that these lines seem to be almost randomly created doesn't quite work for me.

For example, the last tiny stanza flows greatly, and every transition between the lines made the reading flow greatly. Now, for example, breaking this sentence

"or twice (I suppose) and I used to cry at the thought
of that ending. I liked you once or twice and I'd bury my face"

just feels weird, I can't quite explain. And, like that one, several other transitions flow weirdly to me.

Again, don't take this in the wrong way, I really loved the content of this writing, that's why this structure particularly annoyed me. Again (again), it may be a matter of taste, and even your own personal style and, if that's the case, I'll just have to get used to it, because I remember that I always loved your writing.
#3
I appreciate the crit, and I'm glad you enjoyed the content. I agree, my spacing is all funky, but I've been trying to figure out what's appropriate for the internal rhymes and sounds - when there's only end rhyme to consider it makes sense to have line breaks at each rhyme, but in this case there are lots of awkward places to break if done the same way. maybe I'll just start writing these in paragraph form. idk. thanks for the input homie
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#4
Wow. This is really great. Your writing is very evocative. You've done an amazing job of laying bare all of the doubts and guilts and other nagging things that we all feel occasionally. I love how it's relatable and unique to you at the same time. It's just very powerful and genuine, and I really enjoyed reading it even though it's not an especially happy piece.

The structure of this didn't really bother me. It seemed to toe the line between a poem and prose, but it felt natural to me

Hope you're not down in the dumps, but if you are, you have my condolences
Quote by DukeDeRox
Obviously you got this.