#1

I have been paved by the weather,
distanced and metered by overpasses
one then
the other
: in timed succession
bridges over bridges
laid upon swampland,
new construction
and endless construction
violent in the early light
speaking under static breath
of cities in every direction,
morning full flare on the fuselage,
tumbling unfound and calling up the coast
to you, unimaginable one,
not yet willing to be seen.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
Last edited by jiminizzle at Apr 14, 2012,
#4
Oh yeah? Try living in Dubai. 40% of the world's cranes.

Anyway, I really love this. It's hard not to imagine continents splitting, mountains and buildings going up and you at the heart of it. The small size adds even more to that, taking it a step further and showing me how everything is a map. The ending feels like the inevitable cop-out my brain takes when I'm on the balcony watching the mountain: someone I care(d) about.

I read this yesterday at sunrise and although you may not have orchestrated it this way, but this came at a very perfect crux in my life. Wore me like a suit and had me pick up a pen. I had the window to my left (with a collage of trees and a mountain range outside) while reading, looking out and contemplating where I fit in and bla bla bla. I was even watching Game of Thrones earlier (and the poem reminded me of the intro to the show). I can't even tell whether this is very heart-lifting, or very bleak. It feels like both.

That's just me though. I could be going entirely in a different direction with this and misinterpreting everything, but that wouldn't really matter. Two cents there for ya.


Peace.
#5
^thanks for that nice to be involved in a moment like that, even from the other side of our planet.

it was written about a drive to an airport in west coast florida starting in darkness and the colors of the new concrete and fancy overpasses as the sun broke were pretty hard to shake, so you're really pretty close to the heart of what this means for me too with what you were talking about.

How is Dubai? It seems like a pretty wild place, at least in pictures. 40% seems almost impossible. Too many metal dinosaurs at once.


thanks guys. will be returning to you soon. (mental note: I still owe subway a crit too)
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#7
(First of all, I'm typing this on an iPad and I can't for the life of me find a button analougus to an enter key. So, sorry about the apparent breathlessness of my post) I liked this very much. It starts off great. paved by the weather is very interesting combination of words. I think it also sets up a bit of ambiguity as to whether or not the protagonist is a person or perhaps a facet of the landscape. A stone perhaps? That has been smoothed by rain and separated from the rest of the land by the constructions of man being built around him. I like how " one then the other" is visually represented as itself and how it could refer to the overpasses or being paved by the weather and then being distanced by overpasses. Could you explain to me the significance of the : at the start the next line? I like the flow of the next section. The "static breath" of the cities is very good. Light pollution or the constant static presence of the cities looming over the land. The next line line has so many Fs...mmmmmm. I do like alliteration. I'm not quite sure who the"unimaginable one" is, but I like that. It makes the reader think about the possibilities. It could be God, a lover...a mountain...So anyway...just some (sleep deprived) thoughts. I really should get to bed... I kind of feel skeevy for asking, but could you take a look at this https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1532322 at some point? I'd just like to have someone who clearly knows what they are doing give me some brutal honesty. Anyway, off to bed. Great poem.
Last edited by Duaneclapdrix at Apr 15, 2012,
#8
Quote by jiminizzle
^thanks for that nice to be involved in a moment like that, even from the other side of our planet.

it was written about a drive to an airport in west coast florida starting in darkness and the colors of the new concrete and fancy overpasses as the sun broke were pretty hard to shake, so you're really pretty close to the heart of what this means for me too with what you were talking about.

How is Dubai? It seems like a pretty wild place, at least in pictures. 40% seems almost impossible. Too many metal dinosaurs at once.


thanks guys. will be returning to you soon. (mental note: I still owe subway a crit too)

My pleasure man

I'm not sure, haven't been in Dubai for 5 months now. But everyone tells me it's great over there. And yeah, they've got shitloads of construction over there. It's a dystopia in the making I suppose.
#9
The colon at the beginning of the line bothers me, but not so much that I think it should be changed. Probably, bothering me is exactly the effect you want since it marks the beginning of the list. In fact, unlike virtually every other poem I see on the forum that uses punctuation, I'm not going to complain about your punctuation. You use it sparsely, poetically, AND correctly, which is a beautiful and elegant thing to see. Much like the poem itself.



peace
Nothing to see here. Move along.
#10
i don't necessarily like the repetition of construction so close together. i don't comment as much as i used to but i'm still reading you all the time. this was particularly excellent.
#11
I am really excited to see this from you - you write beautifully Jimmy, and your imagery is so pristine, but something I see in this that I don't usually see is a very concise direction. every line is building new momentum onto the initial spark and allows it to flow effortlessly to the endpoint, rather than getting caught here and there along the way to dwell on a thought that is lost later on. very nice.

btw I'm doing an independent study next semester on Philosophy of Space and I'd love to consult you on some readings - I know you've mentioned a lot of texts based on sense of place and I'm trying to incorporate as broad of a spectrum of material as I can to establish a holistic view on the human experience and its relationship to space as a construct
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja