RAJIV ROCKZ
Registered User
Join date: Sep 2009
739 IQ
#1
Don't know why I have written this. What do you think? Is it worth recording? I need suggestions. I will surely be updating and correcting it if needed.

There

There’ll be a day when I’ll go away,
Like a lily at end of the day;
I’ll be walking on a one way track,
Don’t wait, I won’t be coming back.

There were so many things to say,
But sorry I couldn’t complete the play;
Time has thrashed be against the shore,
And to stop the clock there is no mending store.

Now we’ll never see the same sunrise,
And you won’t get hurt by my truths and lies;
I'm sorry for the words that cut you like a knife
But with me or without, I wish you a better life.

There’ll be a time when you’ll find someone,
I hope he will be your eternal sun;
I’ll be happy for your success stories,
But let me live in the lane of your memories.

We’ll never see the same sunrise,
And you won’t get hurt by my truths and lies;
I'm sorry for the words that cut you like a knife,
But with me or without, I wish you a better life.

There’ll be a day when I’ll go away,
Like a lily at end of the day;
I’ll be walking on a one way track,
Don’t wait, I won’t be coming back.

THANKS FOR READING!!!
nightrain789
Registered User
Join date: Feb 2009
493 IQ
#2
Personally I think you're too stuck on creating rhymes, and that interferes with the actual lyrics in the song.

"There were so many things to say,
But sorry I couldn’t complete the play;
Time has thrashed be against the shore,
And to stop the clock there is no mending store."

To me this comes off as if you're forcing the rhyme, and there probably is a good idea in your head. If you can come up with a verse that simply flows better, you don't need to rhyme, because the sound is still aesthetically pleasing. I'm not saying that there should never be rhymes in a song, but the pattern can become boring and cliche. Try writing some practice songs trying to make them flow rather than simply rhyme, and come back to this one.

I actually like the idea and structure of the song, but the rhyming scheme is just getting in the way of me really enjoying this. If you need any other help I'd be more than happy to offer some more advice.
RAJIV ROCKZ
Registered User
Join date: Sep 2009
739 IQ
#3
@nightrain789 Yeah! I have noticed that too. When I try to rhyme, I really skip some good stuffs. Well, Thanks for your advice. By the way am a bit confused about making the songs flow without rhyming. Can you give me some examples if you don't mind????
nightrain789
Registered User
Join date: Feb 2009
493 IQ
#4
Well I guess I kind of confused myself with what I was saying as well, haha. It's not necessarily about writing songs with absolutely no rhymes, but you can change up the pattern with which you do it in order to keep the listener interested. For example, I wrote a song with these lyrics in it:

"It's 4am and 27 and we'll never get to bed
A moment of reflection is what I get instead
Standing atop a hill overlooking endlessness
Flakes cloud the picture and I realize my drunkeness"

But later in the song I have a part with kind of a breakdown, where any sort of rhyming scheme is completely changed up:

"And I know what I need to do (need to do)
To go and find someone who doesn't think like you (like you)
But I'll never find them, and I'll find myself
Lying on a concrete mattress
Surrounded by cops and ashes
Crying out for lessened brashness
Just let me escape this sadness!"

These lyrics won't win any awards, but I personally am happy with the way this song progresses and flows, and I know it would have been difficult for me to complete this with the original AABB rhyming scheme.

Additionally, one of the reasons I started writing music again was because of a band "Bomb the Music Industry." Go check out the lyrics for "Everyone That Loves You," and listen to how he makes the lyrics work. Hopefully this should help explain my original post.
mizzfail
Banned
Join date: Jun 2012
10 IQ
#5
To me this comes off as if you're forcing the rhyme, and there probably is a good idea in your head. If you can come up with a verse that simply flows better, you don't need to rhyme, because the sound is still aesthetically pleasing. I'm not saying that there should never be rhymes in a song, but the pattern can become boring and cliche. Try writing some practice songs trying to make them flow rather than simply rhyme, and come back to this one.
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josephdavischen
Banned
Join date: Sep 2012
10 IQ
#7
To me this comes off as if you're forcing the rhyme, and there probably is a good idea in your head.