I agree with Aaron, perhaps starting at a lower tempo could do the trick. I'd also correct a little offkey note in the keyboards at 0:25, it's a bit noticeable (only by listening I think it's a b9 over the bVI chord that you play there, that's quite harsh to the ear, but maybe you intended to play it that way, like a short appoggiatura).
One thing I noticed straight away is the low guitar volume, coupled with a tone that could be improved in my opinion. The tone is too dirty and hissy for the style, and the loads of gain make it even dirtier.
I would get a solid tone for the rhythm parts and then turn the guitar louder. What I felt was that keyboards were too 'away' from the guitar volume-wise, they do not blend properly.

Drum pattern for the verse at 0:30 shattered the atmosphere I expected. After the first riff, I wanted to listen to a heavy 4/4 pattern right at the start, and I found a 8/8 pattern that took away the metalish heavyness I was expecting.
Liked the heavy breakdown at 1:46. Some notes in the last solo are a bit offkey, I think. Liked the heavy outro with the fast double bass.
As for vocals, I don't dig the style too much either, so I'm ok with them.
I'd definitely use more interesting keyboard chord voicings! If my ears didn't lie to me, thirds are quite hard to hear, or you're just playing power chords in the keyboard. It would be nice to do some voice leading through the song.

All in all, a good song that could be improved in many ways, musical and non musical, but a good song in the end. Just keep working on your sound, and you'll get it.

Mind checkin' out my last instrumental metal track?: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1551168

This definitely has tons of potential. Certainly not bad for a demo. But like the other guys said, I'd up the volume on the guitar. The keys are good, but you don't want them to outshine the guitars. I rather liked the vocals. Overall, really cool and I think you guys have tons of potential!

C4C? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=30062348#post30062348
Honey mustard is best mustard.
I'll just use the same topic, it's much easier that way. So here is a live video from Thou Arsonist!'s rehearsal. It is filmed with a cameraphone, so the quality sucks a bit. But you can still imagine what it would/could sound as a studio recording.

You can, of course, still rate and comment on the original post also, but let's give this a go too, shall we? Thanks already!