smartalecG94
Just my Bronze showing
Join date: Feb 2011
183 IQ
#1
Passage
Twisting, turning
No way to see the way out
Burning
With a silent fear
Pleading
Don't lose me now

Wandering, wandering
No clear solution
Following, follow
The nothing ahead
Wondering, wondering
See the confusion
Wanting to hope that I'll find my way out

Searching
Round every corner
Checking every door just to find that it's locked
Midnight
Brings a sense of comfort
Follow the moon; it'll show the way out

Staggering, staggering
No comprehension
Falling down, crying out
When will it end
Hungering, hungering
Need resolution
Wanting to hope that I'll find my way out

Door on the left unlocked
Open and find
A young man sitting there out of his mind
Say a few words and he doesn't respond
ExcePt with a cough and then with a yawn
Ask for directions but silence replies
No signs of life hidden deep in his eyes
Then he turns slowly to face me and says
You can't ever leave if you're lost in your head

Leave now
Try to process
Can't seem
To understand
Brush off
The crazy's sentence
Set off
To find my way out

Wandering, wandering
No clear solution
Running, I'm running now
Trying to find
Crying out, crying out
Show me the path now
Trying to hope that I'll find my way out
Wandering, wandering
No clear solution
Lost again, lost again
Can't see the light
Dark now, it's dark now
No illumination
Losing the hope that I'll find my way out
Seems he was right; I won't find my way out
Quote by captainsnazz
That's some nice hair you've got there.


I'm watching you.


Quote by BottleOfSmoke
If I was a rich man in 17th century Britain, I'd totally adopt Alec and make him my heir.

People say I tan easily, but that's just my Bronze showing through.
seventh_angel
So-Called New-Age(d) Poet
Join date: Aug 2007
3,144 IQ
#2
In my opinion, this is too long for its own good, and you take a whole lot of time to make your point clear. These sound like lyrics, and it may fit the mood of the song. If it works, it works and it's good for you Alec, but simply by reading them, they just drag along. Some rhymes were interesting ( the near rhyme between respond and yawn was quite good in my opinion ). But this piece sounds a lot song-based ( by lack of a better expression ) and, as lyrics, it sounds pretty simple and a bit too long for its own good.

Still, you seem urging to improve as a writer, and probably as a songwriter. You keep reading this forum ( and I don't know what else ). My advice for you is to listen to lyricists that you look up to. Study lyrics; I still do it after all these years of growing as a writer. I believe there's always a chance to be better and there's a chance to grow at every corner. Keep writing Alec ^^
smartalecG94
Just my Bronze showing
Join date: Feb 2011
183 IQ
#3
I did think as I was writing this that it looked a little too long (it took up almost four pages) but when I put it into a song it seemed to work at a manageable length. Almost all of the work that I've written is lyrical rather than poetry, so I sometimes end up oversimplifying to fit the flow of the song. I appreciate the advice, Andre; you're one of my favorite writers on here, and it's always good to get insight from someone you look up to.
Quote by captainsnazz
That's some nice hair you've got there.


I'm watching you.


Quote by BottleOfSmoke
If I was a rich man in 17th century Britain, I'd totally adopt Alec and make him my heir.

People say I tan easily, but that's just my Bronze showing through.
seventh_angel
So-Called New-Age(d) Poet
Join date: Aug 2007
3,144 IQ
#4
Well, it's been a few months since I wrote lyrics, but I am a songwriter too and as a songwriter, I am inspired by poetry and some lyrics that I admire. When it comes to lyrics, probably the band that has the most inspiring songs to me is Okkervil River ( at least lately, and at least it was the first that came to mind now ).

This was the last song (lyrics) I wrote, if you want to take a look at it: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1562475

I have post a whole lot of lyrics since I've been in here too. I'm grateful that you think I'm one of your favorite writers here; I am quite honored, since we have a roster of amazing people in S&L

So, again, study the lyrics of singers or bands that you look up to (lyric-wise) to see in what you can improve Alec.

Take care