Bleed Away
th.
Join date: Feb 2006
2,671 IQ
#1
"One of the only things that is worse
than being alone
is the illusion that you are not alone –
no matter how long the illusion stays for. "



I channel the void
from this side of solemn debauchery,
now filled with unwashed apologetics
of the etiquettes I no longer need.

It’s no one’s fault but everyone else;
I’ll put this “faith” in my own concerns.

Find someone else to love
and I’ll find mine (time will tell.)
Platonic proverbs, and the white lies
you fashioned thereof,
are like a holiday resort
for the hedonistic
like me.

Sadistic courtship, my dear,
is a wakened state;
a thought experiment
only for a husband’s eyes to witness.

You don’t care but
I’ll be there (for you)
when you turn out those lights.

You should be happy for me
(and me alone.)

If I had my way,
you would be my own being
(residing in my mind, willingly.)
Together, we would celebrate our shortcomings;
buy a house just to keep to ourselves;
and hold hands as we walk
through the valley of death,
to a family with little else than the shelter
that vigilantly consumes your presence:
myself.

But you’re simply not there anymore,
and you never were.
Mulbery
Last edited by Bleed Away at Aug 26, 2012,
smartalecG94
Just my Bronze showing
Join date: Feb 2011
183 IQ
#2
this will be the third writing of yours to be stuck for me you are quickly becoming my favorite writer on UG. no crit needed lol its amazing
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seventh_angel
So-Called New-Age(d) Poet
Join date: Aug 2007
3,144 IQ
#3
This is amazing. I must say sometimes your work pushes me away, mainly because your vocabulary is too exquisite ( you have an amazing vocabulary btw, it just doesn't work for me sometimes ). But that's my problem and has nothing to do with you because you're a great writer. However, this piece was so relatable, that the vocabulary, despite being too rich for its own good sometimes, fits almost perfectly.

I just didn't like two commas, simply because they don't seem necessary. The one after "apologetics" in the beginning, and the one after "walk".

Nonetheless, as I said, I thought this was an amazing piece.
BjarnedeGraaf
UG's bear
Join date: May 2012
2,725 IQ
#4
Lots of big words, but I like it, I've seen your lyrics, and most of them have these big words, any reason why? Sometimes I feel like the "fancy" words could be replaced with more daily-used words. but this was great
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Mr.Pink101
Ribbed for her pleasure
Join date: Feb 2008
1,508 IQ
#5
asdfghjkl;


...this is so perfect :'(
Music is an art form that celebrates potential. So long as you're looking for it, you'll always find it.
Bleed Away
th.
Join date: Feb 2006
2,671 IQ
#6
@Seventh_angel:

Thanks, I took your advice about the commas you mentioned. I'm sorry to hear that the vocabulary, of most of my pieces, has been pushing you away. I have definitely toned it down, in comparison to my 2008-2010 poems. But, in this particular piece, the only words that I can deem as exquisite are "debauchery", "etiquettes" "hedonistic", "platonic" and "vigilantly". The rest are pretty standard, in my opinion. Nevertheless, I will take your comment into consideration by toning down the vocabulary a bit more in future pieces.

@BjarnedeGraaf: My "lyrics" are actually poems or prose :p

Thank you all for the very kind comments. Most appreciated!
Mulbery
Last edited by Bleed Away at Aug 26, 2012,
culex-knight
mon titre d'utilisateur
Join date: Jun 2004
400 IQ
#8
Two in a row!
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

Mr.Pink101
Ribbed for her pleasure
Join date: Feb 2008
1,508 IQ
#12
I told you it was perfect

WotM without a doubt. Good work!
Music is an art form that celebrates potential. So long as you're looking for it, you'll always find it.