jod23
Registered User
Join date: Mar 2009
1,126 IQ
#1
sunday afternoon
cool september breeze going for a stroll
consistently knocking on my front door
had enough, anxiety from this hangover
dog of the hair that bit me
heat index unbearable, humid an tropical
as sweat pouring from my forehead
watering the garden outside
need to get up from bed

walked into the kitchen
making breakfast, steak, egg, an cheese
as sunlight gently penetrating through the windows
my eyes fixed on the rolling hills an gentle rivers
yellow an green colors emerge together
making love as the leaves begin to change
in the 1st day of september's reign

landline phone rings
pandoras box
picked it up
hello?
heavy musky voice
tickling my right ear
sounding like charlie browns teacher in the background
mumbling with words unrelated to batman's voice
selling pornographic ideas an a trip to disney world

feeling sick
without a wasted word
an flash of lighting
i hung up the phone
sat down on the chair
taking a deep breath

glaced at the painting a few feet from me
self potrait of vincent van gogh
hanging from the wall
staring at me
trying to sell me something


~end~
Last edited by jod23 at Sep 1, 2012,
Bleed Away
th.
Join date: Feb 2006
2,671 IQ
#2
Quote by jod23
sunday afternoon
cool september breeze going for a stroll
consistently knocking on my front door
had enough, anxiety from this hangover
dog of the hair that bit me
heat index unbearable, humid an tropical
as sweat pouring from my forehead
watering the garden outside
need to get up from bed

I would definitely remove the comma after "anxiety", it definitely doesn't belong there. I'm quite perplexed about your usage of "an" for "and". Is it because you want the voice of the narrator to have a certain dialect? The usage is scattered all over this piece, so I'm assuming you did it purposely. But, even so, it doesn't read very well; it ruins the flow of the piece (among other things.)

I don't know, it's almost like you're writing this from the perspective of an ADHD persona, because incomplete ideas (and images) flow from one to another.

walked into the kitchen
making breakfast, steak, egg, an cheese
as sunlight gently penetrating through the windows
my eyes fixed on the rolling hills an gentle rivers
yellow an green colors emerge together
making love as the leaves begin to change
in the 1st day of september's reign

Quite a lot of grammatical hiccups here. "While the sunlight was penetrating through the windows" reads a lot better (and makes a lot more sense) than "As sunlight gently penetrating..."

landline phone rings
pandoras box
picked it up
hello?
heavy musky voice
tickling my right ear
sounding like charlie browns teacher in the background
mumbling with words unrelated to batman's voice
selling pornographic ideas an a trip to disney world


feeling sick
without a wasted word
an flash of lighting
i hung up the phone
sat down on the chair
taking a deep breath

glaced at the painting a few feet from me
self potrait of vincent van gogh
hanging from the wall
staring at me
trying to sell me something



Yeah, to put it bluntly, this entire piece needs a lot of editing. The ideas are there (and I feel you have some good ones) but the execution lets it down. It just doesn't read very, as it is on the screen. But if it's a spoken-word poem then I guess it will suffice (as it is)
Mulbery
Last edited by Bleed Away at Sep 3, 2012,
treborillusion
UG Fanatic
Join date: May 2009
3,126 IQ
#4
I used to do telesales.

'Dream of Tele-forni-cation'
'Fornicate'

Sorry...

Is this a rap, or, spoken word/poem?
Quote by laid-to-waste
look nigga, if you're chillin with 5 bros and 2 hos, you're gonna wanna pay attention to all of em equally. not moon over the hos forever and laugh at every shitty thing they say and just stare at them all night, like some of my mates do.
Madzää
Failing at n00b language
Join date: Apr 2008
1,550 IQ
#5
I really really enjoyed this piece, as it evoked feelings I could very well relate to! My favourite bits probably were "sounding like charlie browns teacher in the background/mumbling with words unrelated to batman's voice/selling pornographic ideas an a trip to disney world" as the imaginery is just so vivid and I can perfectly picture the conversation in my head. You also managed to convey the hangover-ish feelings throughout, and especially in this and the last stanza. Although I cannot quite put my finger on how you did this, I really liked the flavour this gave off for this piece. I believe it is because of your clever use of short phrases. I didn´t quite feel the last lines of the second stanza, they kind of disrupt the feeling I had reading the first one, they seem a little bit too "lovely", for the lack of a better word, for my taste. Reading it again and again, the two lines "watering the garden outside/need to get up from bed" really make a strong connection to me and especially the last one fits perfectly into the mood you created, because of it´s short, to-the-point nature. I did not really have a problem with the flow throughout this piece, but I believe that this also may be because nearly everything flows fluidly to my ears. The last stanza was also brilliantly put together, I love your poem ending with the stare of Vincent van Gogh meshed with the telemarketer.

I´m sorry I couldn´t find much too criticise, but this piece really spoke to me in a way. Please keep me posted on your future work!
In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

Quote by Lord-O-Donuts
Banned for being the coolest April 08'er on UG.


please check out my own album:
almilano.bandcamp.com
jod23
Registered User
Join date: Mar 2009
1,126 IQ
#6
glad u liked it madzaa, took it as a spoken word poem. its about a dream i had directing towards a painting. focused on random ideas of a telemarketer selling stuff over the landline phone.