Fredmac12
Registered User
Join date: Feb 2012
1,000 IQ
#1
Not sure how I feel about this, wrote it in about 10 minutes just now, the idea is slower for the first 2 'verses' then faster for the last 2. Sort off to match the down and up feelings. Might continue with this, if I still like it tomorrow any ideas etc... All very welcome!

The man who lost it all

We passed out on the street
He had the vacant look upon his face
All his*stories told
By the downed head and slow pace
Coming down, to his nothingness
The girl gone in a flash
All that was left
His close friends and cash

But he'll say he's alright
Drinking it away, every night
Using drugs to keep him sane
Only to subside the pain,

So he'll drop a pill
And take a hit
His mood picks up
And he'll drink a bit
The problems forgot
Everything okay
But tomorrow
He'll come down and pay

And now he's alright
Drank it away this very night
Drugged up, going insane
The world blurs, but no pain
Firebirdz
Registered User
Join date: Jun 2009
1,228 IQ
#2
Hmm.. Well, I don't know whether the down and up feelings are supposed to be accentuated
by the difference between the two verses. It's just... the second verse feels very slight after the first one.
I like the development you make in the choruses(?), and the second one is written especially well in my opinion.
Other than that, i feel like this should be somehow expanded. Do you mean this to be played in any sort of genre, or is it undecided yet?
Tis a sig
Fredmac12
Registered User
Join date: Feb 2012
1,000 IQ
#3
Quote by Firebirdz
Hmm.. Well, I don't know whether the down and up feelings are supposed to be accentuated
by the difference between the two verses. It's just... the second verse feels very slight after the first one.
I like the development you make in the choruses(?), and the second one is written especially well in my opinion.
Other than that, i feel like this should be somehow expanded. Do you mean this to be played in any sort of genre, or is it undecided yet?

Thanks for the feedback!

Yeah the up and down is deliberate, the second verse is intended to be a faster, I think it could maybe do with a bit added to it, to increase the length. It would probably be indie rock, like the strokes/arctic monkeys. I actually quite like it, so I'll try and expand it.

EDIT
I think the second verse might seem slight, because it's meant to be less descriptive and faster paced, to match the idea that the man is on a high from drugs etc and in a better mood.
Last edited by Fredmac12 at Sep 14, 2012,