#1
Goodbye, my friend;

for all the car rides and less lonely drives
when we put our sunglasses on to hide blackish eyes
from nights we should've gotten more sleep;
for all the rants and arguments
over obnoxious colleagues and girls and bands
that we couldn't avoid to discuss;
for all the smoking breaks on project days
when our eyes were dazed with computer screens
and we gazed at the sunset and talked about dreams;
for all the jokes and words of hope,
when I felt these floors were all over my throat,
that gave me the strength to wipe them off and laugh away.

Goodbye, my friend.
see you in <<undefined:time>>

----

I grabbed her hand and held it strongly as if we could both smother my will to cry,
as he turned his back on us and I realized we wouldn't shake hands or hug it out
like we did in terraces where he would refuge with cigarettes and put up with my shit
as I'd puke thoughts from the core of my soul on my cloudiest days of the sunniest winter.

Another one (de)parted, filling his bags with the most/best life he could,
hoping to rediscover home on a soil he never stepped on;
knotting arms with love in an attempt to scare away
the fear that's making his legs shake and his voice drag and fail.

I'll put this farewell letter
on the same pile of the others
who are waiting next to the calendar
for time to be defined.
Last edited by seventh_angel at Sep 16, 2012,
#2
I really enjoyed reading this piece, and definitely felt a strong connection with it, even after the first read. The first stanza really shines as a whole in my opinion, while I didn´t find the definite line that really made it memorable for me, it seems like it just works perfectly as a whole. The second part however, definitely has it´s strong point (at least to me anyways): "Another one (de)parted, filling his bags with the most/best life he could,/hoping to rediscover home on a soil he never stepped on;/knotting arms with love in an attempt to scare away/the fear that's making his legs shake and his voice drag and fail." is just such a great way of wording these emotions, and even after several reads I can´t find any way which would sound better to my ears and mind. The rest was brilliantly constructed, although I was kind of let down by the last stanza, not that it was a big dissappointment, but it just seemed a little minimalistic after the brilliant stanza before! Great work!
In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

Quote by Lord-O-Donuts
Banned for being the coolest April 08'er on UG.


please check out my own album:
almilano.bandcamp.com
Last edited by Madzää at Sep 21, 2012,
#3


Brilliant as usual, minus a few awkward phrases in my opinion.
when I felt these floors were all over my throat
I don't quite get this line. As in 'floors were all over my throat' didn't make sense to me and it kind of threw me off. Maybe a different way of saying/phrasing what you mean?

In the second part the only thing I don't quite like is the "refuge with cigarettes". I think that's an awkward way of saying it. I don't know exactly the feeling you were going for there but maybe replace "refuge" with "unwind" or something to that effect?

Overall I'd say that the first part is stronger than the second. Not that the second is any less well-written but the firmer structure to the first half really pulls you in more. At least in my opinion.
#4
Quote by seventh_angel

Goodbye, my friend.
see you in <<undefined:time>>


Love this part. You can just imagine how it would sound like in your head.

Quote by seventh_angel

cloudiest days of the sunniest winter.


This phrase is amazing but the first part of the line was kinda wierd though.

Overall, this was a good read.

EDIT: Sorry not good but EXCELLENT!
Yeah I'm that guy who says I'm right
but more than likely is wrong

It happens doesn't it?
#5
This is grammatically correct and structurally sound, but that makes it a concrete block that will keep rain away. What's inside isn't so interesting.

Rock On
Newest Lyrics:
[url="http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=727775[/url"]Pattern Recognition

Short Stories:
Anniversary
Last edited by Petey Cook at Sep 17, 2012,
#6
I really enjoyed reading this a lot- the first stanza brings the best memories out of me and evoked plenty of sympathy for the rest. Just one beef: black ISH- came across quite odd to me but doesn't seem to bother anyone else. i personally would have said blackER or blackENED.

Again, very enjoyable! Wish i could give as good advise as you did to me!
#7
Thank you guys. I actually thought about blackened while writing it, but since I was going for something not completely black, only blackish.

As for the floors, I first wrote "paths all over my throat", as in the way I was planing my life was all over my throat, but then you can't quite wipe a path off, so I made it floors. I'm trying to think about a different line for that part though, but inspiration has been lacking (I actually only have glimpses of inspiration, that's why most of the things I write are written in less than 20 mins).

Again, thank you all ! ^^
#8
I think this has a lot of potential, but I don't think it's quite there yet. I haven't been around as much because school started (I am rushing to class right now) but I will come back to give you a full critique on this one. Black dotted. Also, hope you're doing well, man.
#9
Finally got my stuff done, check the edit!
In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

Quote by Lord-O-Donuts
Banned for being the coolest April 08'er on UG.


please check out my own album:
almilano.bandcamp.com