treborillusion
UG Fanatic
Join date: May 2009
3,126 IQ
#1
All alone
That's my zone
Could have cared
You're not there

I think about it
For atleast an hour
I thought about it
In the shower

With or
With out
With out you
Time after time - What can we do?

And I want it
On it so much
Ashes to ashes
Dust to dust
Quote by laid-to-waste
look nigga, if you're chillin with 5 bros and 2 hos, you're gonna wanna pay attention to all of em equally. not moon over the hos forever and laugh at every shitty thing they say and just stare at them all night, like some of my mates do.
Fredmac12
Registered User
Join date: Feb 2012
998 IQ
#2
Quote by treborillusion
All alone
That's my zone
Could have cared
You're not there I like this first stanza

I think about it
For atleast an hour
I thought about it
In the shower To me 'hour' and 'shower' seems a bit of a poor/predictable rhyme.

With or
With out
With out you
Time after time - What can we do? Again I like this stanza

And I want it
On it so much I'm not srure what this line is meant to mean
Ashes to ashes
Dust to dust I like these two lines as an ending


Check out some of my work if you have a chance!
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1560053
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1561729
Petey Cook
UG Newbie
Join date: Dec 2005
688 IQ
#3
So are all of your pieces just random, context-less lines connected by vague references to pop songs/possibly other famous and cliche lines? ("With or without you", "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust") Because if that's the truth, than you could spit these out a dime a dozen into a blog that will eventually become an Urban Outfitter's coffee table book and people will think it's great.

But I just think it's dumb. As I do most things that end up in the coffee table book section at Urban Outfitters.

- Pete
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