MarshmallowPies
savvy?
Join date: Mar 2008
784 IQ
#1
I've been playing guitar for a while and am trying to dive deeper into writing my own songs and join a band next year. My own stuff is short instrumental songs since I don't sing, in a lo-fi fuzz/noise rock style (I'm hugely inspired by Cloud Nothings, Best Coast and early shoegaze music such as Swirlies right now). I thought for the hell of it I'd give writing lyrics a try, even though they will probably never make it into one of my own songs.

I wrote this in the last 15 minutes. There were a lot of storm clouds in the sky today and I was particularly missing my long-distance boyfriend, so that's basically what inspired it.


rains down a window
rhythm streaking past
moving out of vision
dripping into past

eye can't see you
somehow you're still there
chased like racing droplets
captured by my stare

waiting clouds gather
pouring out their patterns
hourglasses raining
and it's draining

can't stop the raining
it's so draining...
Play the music, not the instrument. ~Author Unknown


blackzeppelion
Who's the band that could become the next led zeppelin?
Ovenman
Iron blimp.
J.A.M
Aluminum helicopter.
Ovenman
*Breaks out periodic table* Magnesium bi-plane.
DisasterMatt
UG's flying dragonite...?
Join date: Jul 2009
1,393 IQ
#2
gave me a new concept of time. I like it. if you like writing, write. simple as that i really like the lyrics. if they're ever in a song, that'd be cool. unlimit yourself
MarshmallowPies
savvy?
Join date: Mar 2008
784 IQ
#3
Quote by DisasterMatt
gave me a new concept of time. I like it. if you like writing, write. simple as that i really like the lyrics. if they're ever in a song, that'd be cool. unlimit yourself


thank you, and that's awesome advice
Play the music, not the instrument. ~Author Unknown


blackzeppelion
Who's the band that could become the next led zeppelin?
Ovenman
Iron blimp.
J.A.M
Aluminum helicopter.
Ovenman
*Breaks out periodic table* Magnesium bi-plane.
GuitarQ33r0
Deathcore Messiah
Join date: Nov 2009
166 IQ
#4
Great song it has some great imagery keep writing short songs like this and try to improve as much as you can. Also consider adding some repetition in your song as long as you do it tastefully it can be useful to show emotion. Look up Led Zeppelin's "Baby I'm going to leave you" and listen how much emotion he put into just singing "baby."

If you are serious about writing songs keep a small notebook with you to write in when you have inspirational moments like that because that's when you write your best songs. Like Bruce Lee said "Out of chaos, find simplicity, From discord, find harmony." and musicians do that through music.
you're never as free as when you are lost
Last edited by GuitarQ33r0 at Sep 23, 2012,
Petey Cook
UG Newbie
Join date: Dec 2005
688 IQ
#5
The first two stanzas are really good. The second two parts aren't so great. It's a little like you ran out of ways to say the same thing. I also was a little thrown off by the lack of clear punctuation. I'm not saying everything has to be spelled out for us, punctuation wise, but you do have to know the rules to break them.

- Pete
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Fredmac12
Registered User
Join date: Feb 2012
998 IQ
#7
Quote by MarshmallowPies



rains down a window
rhythm streaking past
moving out of vision
dripping into past

This first stanza is good, not too sure on the repetition of 'past' though

eye can't see you
somehow you're still there
chased like racing droplets
captured by my stare

I like this stanza too, the imagery is good, again not too sure on the rhyming it seems a bit forced, and a bit simple and in my opinion actually makes the lyrics worse

waiting clouds gather
pouring out their patterns
hourglasses raining
and it's draining

I like the 'pouring out their patterns' line, I'm not that sure about the last two lines I don't really understand what they're trying to say

can't stop the raining
it's so draining...

Quite a nice ending, but using the same rhyme straight after the other one makes it seem very unimaginative!



Overall I liked the ideas behind this, and it shows some promise, but there are (as pointed out) parts where I feel it's a little forced and simple. Good work though, and if you like writing lyrics, keep doing it! Simple as that.

C4C?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1564782