cubs
x
Join date: Jun 2006
3,949 IQ
#1
set the microwave for two minutes
‘cause i want some tea
with a spice of rum in, i mean,
with an amplified wi-fi signal
and an empty can of beer,
mad criaturas is all that i see, xayactzincomalli,
syncopated cigarrette burns of reality,
it’s not ready yet, how-
it’s ready, the tea i mean
i’m a little bluer now.
AtReYuRoCk
i hate my username
Join date: Apr 2006
314 IQ
#2
Well this is nice..

The only thing that i didn't like was the repetition of 'now' it seemed a bit forced.
It's short and strong
Here my voice goes to ones and zeros...
Something_Vague
Blanched in White Oars
Join date: Nov 2004
5,239 IQ
#3
Not really sure what xayactzincomalli means. I sense it is south american but I can't find a translation.

Syncopated cigarette burns of reality doesn't work in the slightest. I can definately see how you could think it works, the "syn" sounds good with the "cig" but the syllable count is way off for a line like that, and "burns of reality" is real lame sounding.

I get an overt drug vibe from this, maybe opium tea, or Ayahuasca.

Anyway, it was okay, I definately think the beginning was strong but the end lost my attention in a negative way.
smartalecG94
Just my Bronze showing
Join date: Feb 2011
183 IQ
#4
Vague, I see your hangup as far as the syllable count on syncopated cigarette burns, but that's only really valid if this is a lyrical piece; it came across to me as more of a freeform poem, in which case there is really no syllable count. I do agree that "burns of reality" sounds a bit overworked, though.

Aside, I liked the piece, the chaos in it seems intended and is portrayed well
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If I was a rich man in 17th century Britain, I'd totally adopt Alec and make him my heir.

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Ganoosh
big gay celadon crocodile
Join date: May 2009
2,692 IQ
#7
Quote by smartalecG94
Vague, I see your hangup as far as the syllable count on syncopated cigarette burns, but that's only really valid if this is a lyrical piece; it came across to me as more of a freeform poem, in which case there is really no syllable count. I do agree that "burns of reality" sounds a bit overworked, though.

Aside, I liked the piece, the chaos in it seems intended and is portrayed well



Doing away with traditional structure doesn't mean you can forget about cadence or flow or rhythm or whatever you may want to call it -- a few out of place words can still sound awkward even if the piece is without a specific "syllable count".


As always Allen, I like your work. The cigarette burns line was a little weird but I don't see it ruining the whole piece, just a little nitpicky thing for me at least. Hope you made up that huge word.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
Last edited by Ganoosh at Oct 29, 2012,
cubs
x
Join date: Jun 2006
3,949 IQ
#8
yes, i sort of made the word up. it's nahual, a prehispanic language, the one the aztecs spoke, i'm studying it at school, and it's awesome. the word is made from 'xayactzin' (little face) and 'comalli' (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Comal_(cookware) ), my mom used to say i had a 'comalface' as a child though.

thank y'all for reading. i don't feel too proud or whatever of this poem. it was something quick i wrote while i was literally waiting for water to boil to make tea. i agree with everyone's comments about those particular lines, it's not good. also for the record i wasn't really counting syllables here at all. thanks
bluesybilly
Worlds Biggest Douche
Join date: Mar 2007
2,032 IQ
#9
Have I ever told you I think you're writings amazing? Well I think you're writing is amazing.
vintage x metal
Brown-Thighed Girl
Join date: Sep 2006
5,308 IQ
#10
oh god alan whatever you are taking please keep taking it and then wake me up with a phone call one morning.


you would love my friends. i've got to show this to them.
p.s. dont let this place discourage you
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