smartalecG94
Just my Bronze showing
Join date: Feb 2011
183 IQ
#1
Well...yeah...its 4 am and I cant sleep...this was a 10 minute poem...I apologize for any formatting issues, they'll be straightened out soon.

As I lay here sleepless, I can't help but remember How everything used to be, way back when
When we were kids; back when life was just life
And our worries were trivial
Back when girls were far from our minds
(or so we thought)
and we were happy But then real life intervened, as it so often does,
And poof! four was three And three unraveled till it became empty
And that was it, done, just like that we moved on...
But wasn't it great?
while it lasted, I mean And weren't we just the kings of the ****in world?
We were untouchable, unshakable, unbreakable
(at least till we broke) Sometimes I wonder: am I the only one who Remembers?
The only one who ever gets an urge
to call, just because
and if voicemail answers
then maybe I'll leave a message
but probably not
cuz I don't know the voice that answers
because I just realised
that my friends are gone.
Damn.
sometimes I wonder
am I the only one who feels
like I haven't changed?
Quote by captainsnazz
That's some nice hair you've got there.


I'm watching you.


Quote by BottleOfSmoke
If I was a rich man in 17th century Britain, I'd totally adopt Alec and make him my heir.

People say I tan easily, but that's just my Bronze showing through.
Last edited by smartalecG94 at Oct 14, 2012,
NarwhalG2G
They're Red Hot
Join date: Sep 2012
256 IQ
#2
I really like it. I hope to see more like this soon.
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it's like I make threads knowing they're gonna be shit but I make them anyway


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Wire his sack to the electrical socket the next time, little fucker will be shootin lightening bolts all over the house.
smartalecG94
Just my Bronze showing
Join date: Feb 2011
183 IQ
#3
I have two others in my sigthanks
Quote by captainsnazz
That's some nice hair you've got there.


I'm watching you.


Quote by BottleOfSmoke
If I was a rich man in 17th century Britain, I'd totally adopt Alec and make him my heir.

People say I tan easily, but that's just my Bronze showing through.
seventh_angel
So-Called New-Age(d) Poet
Join date: Aug 2007
3,144 IQ
#4
I think, maybe because you were tired, you didn't have the mindset to embellish your thoughts. You just felt like writing some stream of consciousness without putting a lot of thought into it. It's a very common pain you portray in here, and it needs an identity it lacks so far. It needs something to make it yours you know Alec ?

I think that if you sat down and developed a style or an identity to the pains that made you write this, you could come up with something better. I liked the last three lines though. They made a good ending.
21wickwing
wick2107
Join date: Feb 2009
1,487 IQ
#5
I like the concept but, I guess along the lines of seventh_angel's crit, I felt like the majority of this poem was struggling to find its own identity. It was probably because you were tired but it feels like it is aimlessly going somewhere and then at the end you realize where you are going with it and you end strongly. I would suggest going back to it and rewriting the beginning half now that you have the end in mind. I still liked it though.

Mind if you crit mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1577180