#1
velvia (i)

we open doors slowly,
step over sleeping bodies,
another house
another play or
something like one
and i'm afraid of how it ends.

that spring we climbed,
finding wind i forgot existed,
i stopped to wipe the dust of the path
from my eyes
but there are thousands of lights
in the night sky
and you took off ahead.

i'm learning how to slip away
from that ever-distant dawn
bleaching out the horizon,
searing my memory until it passes
and i'm left tracing the reds in your skin.
Last edited by brokencoastline at Oct 16, 2012,
#2
I can really relate to the first stanza.
Quote by laid-to-waste
look nigga, if you're chillin with 5 bros and 2 hos, you're gonna wanna pay attention to all of em equally. not moon over the hos forever and laugh at every shitty thing they say and just stare at them all night, like some of my mates do.
#3
i've been reading your old poems lately.

i come back to "in the way that our footsteps made the sound of cracking husks..." almost every day now. Trying to title an album something of a similar theme as that ending. still haven't nailed anything down like you did though.

i do like the movement, from the trail to the sky, to the horizon then zooming in to curling up with the smallest traces of color in dim light. well, something like that.

read this one while this was playing
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jok_VSwNyfQ
i think it's going to be a pretty day.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#5
Jimmy - Thanks so much. I read through most of those poems again for the first time today too. I'm amazed how those feelings are still so important to me. I'm sure you'll come up with something for your album (I remember seeing tour dates for your band posted on here somewhere, months ago. You guys came really close to me, Alexandria I think, and I had every intention of going if I hadn't been working at the time. Do you guys have anything coming up?) And yeah, something very like that.

seventh_angel (name?) - Thanks.
#6
I feel the wording is a little clumsy a times, a little awkward. Some of the lines drag on too long without punctuation, or are simply punctuated strangely. As a whole, I like the piece, I really do, but it's let down by a few stumbles. The 3rd/4th line of the first stanza is especially awkward to read.
#7
Thanks. I fixed some line breaks and changed some punctuation. I'm not sure how much that solves the awkwardness you're talking about but hopefully this reads a little better now, although I'm sure it's still there to some degree.
#10
congrats. I saw this the other day and I'm happy you put something down. come visit again in the next couple of weeks before all the leaves go away - the drive is the most beautiful right now.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#13
Sounds good, really nice. What would be title for this song?
Any creative ideas?