FrozenNile
Registered User
Join date: Jul 2012
70 IQ
#1
This is pretty much my first attempt at song writing, so please take it easy. It's intended to have a punky sound to it.

Lyrics:

The words of a generation!
Unheard, across the nation!
We turn out like you expect us to be!
What the hell's wrong with society?!

Covering all the blatant lies!
It's all fun and games until someone dies!
You've ruled over with an iron fist!
We can no longer "cease and desist"!


Enough's enough, yeah we're sick of it!
no more lies, no more bull-shit!
Enough's enough, yeah we're sick of it!
We just can't take. it. an-y-more!

Keeping silent is no longer an option!
Our free will isn't up for adoption!
Everything is not, the way it seems!
Making us harbor your corrupted dreams!

You went and pushed us, over the edge!
but now you're backed up, against a ledge!
The rage is building there's no holding back!
show no mercy, now it's time to attack!


Enough's enough, yeah we're sick of it!
no more lies, no more bull-shit!
Enough's enough yeah we're sick of it!
We just.can't.take.it.an-y-more!

END

Exclamation points are pretty hype, aren't they?
NOTAFOX
Registered User
Join date: Mar 2009
20 IQ
#2
i thought it was pretty good actually. i had all the music and everything in my head after only reading it for a second. very simple rhyme scheme but you were going for punk and punk is never to technical, not that you have to make the rhyming all different and weird anyway. keep it up. looking forward to more from you
There is a saying in poetry, "show me, don't tell me." here you are announcing everything, like an announcer to a sporting event. "Dave has the ball. Dave passes the ball. Dave picks his ass."

~Zanascross

XD epic win
Eccer
Registered User
Join date: Sep 2006
70 IQ
#3
Quote by FrozenNile

Enough's enough, yeah we're sick of it!
no more lies, no more bull-shit!
Enough's enough, yeah we're sick of it!
We just can't take. it. an-y-more!
That last line reminded me of Gojira


Our free will isn't up for adoption!
This is the only line which I thought was kinda awkward


Otherwise, I guess it's standard punk lyric. Simple, effective, a little cliche perhaps, but you got potential The exclamation marks isn't all that necessary, maybe if you toned down some of them it would actually look better. But I guess you wanted to make a point.

Keep writing! ^^
FrozenNile
Registered User
Join date: Jul 2012
70 IQ
#4
Gojira is actually one of my favorite bands, so maybe that's where it came from?
Our free will isn't up for adoption!
This is the only line which I thought was kinda awkward

If you don't mind me asking, how did you not like that part?
TheWho845
Registered User
Join date: Jun 2012
10 IQ
#5
Punk Isn't really my thing but I can see how people would like that. Honestly I think it'd be a better acoustic guitar song but that's my taste. Like that guy said its a little cliche the whole yelling thing but its alright. I can't say if be happy if I wrote it mostly because I hate almost everything I write but its good for a first time.

One thing though, If you're doing a punk song which I guess you are you may want to stick with an a-a rhyming scheme, because the only way that choruse would sound alright is if you slow down, and to my knowledge that isn't very punk. Keep writing (y)
TheWho845
Registered User
Join date: Jun 2012
10 IQ
#7
Quote by FrozenNile
Thanks!


You're welcome, if you wouldn't mine checking mine out it'd be greatly appreciate it, just wrote it and need to know if its utter shot or good :0
FrozenNile
Registered User
Join date: Jul 2012
70 IQ
#8
Quote by TheWho845
You're welcome, if you wouldn't mine checking mine out it'd be greatly appreciate it, just wrote it and need to know if its utter shot or good :0


Well I'm no critic but I'll definitely check it out.
Eccer
Registered User
Join date: Sep 2006
70 IQ
#9
Quote by FrozenNile
Gojira is actually one of my favorite bands, so maybe that's where it came from?

If you don't mind me asking, how did you not like that part?


Cool

Sure, well I just didn't like it, I guess I view adoption in a different view. But I get your point though. ^^

Just wrote a new text myself "Can you read?" Check it out if you want too.
Last edited by Eccer at Oct 21, 2012,
FrozenNile
Registered User
Join date: Jul 2012
70 IQ
#10
Quote by Eccer
Just wrote a new text myself "Can I read?" Check it out if you want too.
Can do!
FrozenNile
Registered User
Join date: Jul 2012
70 IQ
#11
Quote by TheWho845
One thing though, If you're doing a punk song which I guess you are you may want to stick with an a-a rhyming scheme, because the only way that choruse would sound alright is if you slow down, and to my knowledge that isn't very punk. Keep writing (y)


....I don't know what an a-a rhyming scheme is