diseasedtrees
Registered User
Join date: Sep 2012
65 IQ
#1
Looking for some critique good or bad. I'll gladly C4C! Thanks


How can I be spread so thin
over such a small area
feeling like I’m lacking some substance
just the weight of all that is gone

melt it down, turn it to nothing
disintegrate with no work at all
somehow inconsistently sinking
get heavy but not dense at all

you determine the pull and all that’s passed
your gravity is not all you have

fabricate and build up an essence
don’t evaporate or get lost in the way
conjure up more than an absence
solidify and fill up this space

let’s get a grip, find us a process
room for sun, space to grow
expand or contract out of stillness
accelerate into unknown

you determine weight is what you make of it
and that today is a hoax

well let’s hope this is not an example
of a bigger whole
Last edited by diseasedtrees at Nov 11, 2012,
剣 斧 血
Pimp, apparently...
Join date: Jan 2010
654 IQ
#2
After reading a few times I enjoyed this piece, but this line...

'you determine weight is what you make of it'

...doesn't really feel right when I'm reading it. I think that...

'you determine weight, it's what you make of it'

...may flow a bit better, but that's just my opinion.
It didn't take long to realise
The safest place was not her arms, but her eyes
Where she can't see you
For her gaze, it blisters;
Grey skin to cinders