Asian_Sensation
Registered User
Join date: Nov 2012
111 IQ
#1
Hey everyone at UG!!!
I actually just joined so I could get some constructive criticism on my song lyrics . I'm still a beginner when it comes to lyrics and I'm still trying to figure out the message I want to convey. What I did with this song is wrote whatever came to mind and grouped up whatever fit together. Thanks in advance for any help I get.
Verse 1:
You feel the haze
Up above
See the mist that it creates
You breathe it in
Until you suffocate
You feel the pain
Come within
The ache spreads out through
So self absorbed
The pain, it cares for nothing else
Pre-Chorus:
And as the pain settles in
Is there hope still leftover?
And if you stumble on your way
Will you hope for something better?
Chorus:
So look towards the daybreak
As the sun rises to the sky
I see a new dawn approaching
Keep strong and hold on tight
Verse 2:
You cut the shit
And straighten out
Let the crowd lead your way
But what's the point
If you feel so god damned raped
You change yourself
Waste more time
And try to recreate
The life you had
The life that once put you to shame
Pre-Chorus:
Although it feels like you're getting nowhere
Was it really a big mistake?
This world you had discovered
Gave way to more paths to take
Chorus:
(Repeat previous chorus)
lububble17
Registered User
Join date: Jul 2012
77 IQ
#2
High five to new people! I really like these lyrics, especially Verse 1. I don't really get the 'god damned raped' part, but you obviously have talent for writing.
Last edited by lububble17 at Nov 14, 2012,
treborillusion
UG Fanatic
Join date: May 2009
3,126 IQ
#3
I loved it until

You feel the pain

Then I kind of drifted off, my attention was lost.

Great structer though, allowed it to flow better, was easy on the delivery.
Quote by laid-to-waste
look nigga, if you're chillin with 5 bros and 2 hos, you're gonna wanna pay attention to all of em equally. not moon over the hos forever and laugh at every shitty thing they say and just stare at them all night, like some of my mates do.
Asian_Sensation
Registered User
Join date: Nov 2012
111 IQ
#4
Thanks for the advice guys! I really appreciate it. I feel like I need more direction in my writing though. How would I go about working on that?
lillianyang
Banned
Join date: Oct 2012
10 IQ
#5
I will definitely become a regular visitor of your topicOh, great article! I will keep this post.
musidore
Addicted User of the Muse
Join date: Mar 2012
263 IQ
#6
I have been writing songs for a some years now and this really reminds me of being a fresh songwriter and talent on the verge of really breaking into the muse. Rock On!

About Direction: Dont be afraid to direct yourself anywhere, always think about it but just let yourself go. Sometimes you can just put everything in one song (as more experienced writers do alot and they do it well from practice) or you can focus on something and just write what you feel about that down. You just need to find YOUR groove. There isnt really a right way and a wrong way of songwriting, honestly. Its you and if they dont like it who cares, thats yours not theirs. Also dont be afraid to be bold. I like the second verse alot because you really let it out the first verse I liked as well but its definitely more poetic. Stay true to your style and keep writing.