vintage x metal
Brown-Thighed Girl
Join date: Sep 2006
5,308 IQ
#1
i left to find to find the cosmos in a steaming cup of tea
and stitched the scented diction into patchwork reveries -
you etched a blindly followed smile into the life you would confide in
only fostered in the shadows of the spaces in your sleeves
... i know i'm lying when i say it isn't me,
a secret you hold safely when you wake up from a scream
a name you only murmur as a crumpled memory
(i burned off all your edges when we walked into the sea).

but I am a magician and you are forever muse
and I've gained a million lovers from the one I had to lose.
fuck you, fuck your face, I will tear it into pieces
& eat off all the flesh; praise apollo, praise jesus.
even though you sit deflated in the throne of your own castle
you've equipped me with the tools to find the beauty in an asshole -
so run, my little minion, you are now forever knighted
as the shit I first got high off, and for that I am delighted.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

lillianyang
Banned
Join date: Oct 2012
10 IQ
#2
Thanks for sharing,good article.I like it,I’m looking forward to read other articles.Awesome topic, like it!
kdownes
one among the Fence
Join date: Dec 2006
2,587 IQ
#3
I love how quickly and unexpectedly the tone of this piece changes, and yet it still retains this amazingly fluid wordplay and almost playful writing style. I always enjoy your work.
girlgerms007
mostly harmless
Join date: Nov 2011
133 IQ
#4
I like the first stanza, but the second just became abusive and the poetry in it was ruined. I think you could have achieved the same effect by employing your skill with words better.
not going viral


Hot E-Cousin of rjaylaf

Non Evil E-Twin of stealstrings

E-NEMESIS of deathdrummer
seventh_angel
So-Called New-Age(d) Poet
Join date: Aug 2007
3,144 IQ
#7
I've actually liked the second stanza a whole lot more than the first. The rhyming and the flow were wonderful. Just two things I'd like to point out that I didn't like:

The Jesus rhyme sounded really forced. Maybe not THAT forced, but it really stood out from the others. But that's just a nitpick.

Now, what I really think it should be fixed is the third line from the first stanza. It may be just me, but it really is a disruption to the flow of the rest of the whole poem; and since it's one of the strengths of the piece, I didn't like how it was ruined on that line. But I may be reading it in a wrong way.

All in all, an enjoyable read this was!
Madzää
Failing at n00b language
Join date: Apr 2008
1,550 IQ
#8
damn, that's all I can say. terribly sorry for not posting more lately.
In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

Quote by Lord-O-Donuts
Banned for being the coolest April 08'er on UG.


please check out my own album:
almilano.bandcamp.com
cubs
x
Join date: Jun 2006
3,949 IQ
#9
i looooooooooooooove you saadia, marry me, we can live somewhere and chill together


honestly, i enjoyed reading this a lot. it's like it successfully plays on and represents ideas i've been having lately. ahhh, we shall meet, dear. dang. really good.
vintage x metal
Brown-Thighed Girl
Join date: Sep 2006
5,308 IQ
#10
^ xxxxxoxxxxoxxxx let me call you soon pl0x!!!


dawwww man thanks guys you are awesome. thank you for all the feedback. I am lucky to be part of a community. if you could see me, I'd be blushing heh


I don't have my laptop so I couldn't do a voice recording but I took a quick video. Idk if the images work or not but the voice should play consistently - in case you wanted to know the rhythm I intended (and can maybe help me tweak how it's written so it will read this way!)
http://smg.beta.photobucket.com/user/twirlsnfun/media/DSCN9383.mp4.html
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

Last edited by vintage x metal at Nov 21, 2012,
Arthur Curry
UnBanned
Join date: Apr 2006
2,268 IQ
#11
"you've equipped me with the tools to find the beauty in an asshole"

awesome, awesome line


Quote by vintage x metal
I don't have my laptop so I couldn't do a voice recording but I took a quick video. Idk if the images work or not but the voice should play consistently - in case you wanted to know the rhythm I intended (and can maybe help me tweak how it's written so it will read this way!)
http://smg.beta.photobucket.com/user/twirlsnfun/media/DSCN9383.mp4.html


Related vids: "Dad shooting the hakim"